BUT I LOVE ME MORE

MAN OR THE MONEY?

2011-04-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

i relocated from vancouver to chicago 18 months ago to live with my boyfriend after two years in a long distance relationship. he is the only person i know here and i'm having a hell of a hard time adjusting. work or lack of it has been the hardest thing. i'm home alone all day, can't meet people and depend on my man for money constantly.

last week a friend gave me the heads up on a job in my hometown, i applied and they want to interview me! the pay would be almost six figures and i could start right away. when i told my man, he shrugged off the opportunity and said 'do what you want.'

do i stay in chicago and try to make it work with my man?

or follow up on what could be an awesome opportunity?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!

WILL I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY?

2011-04-04T22:51:00.001-07:00

seven months ago, my girlfriend of three years got pregnant. i was totally freaked out and unprepared and pressured her to abort the child. she had the abortion and looking back, i was a total prick about the whole thing. we fought constantly afterwards and it was impossible to look at her. forget having sex. i blamed her for everything and after i cussed her out in a drunken rage, she moved out.

since then, i've been in a state of grief - about her, the unborn child and my assholeish behavior. i have no idea how to deal. i'm only writing you because i can't talk to my boys about this and i honestly think i'm starting to develop a drinking problem (four times a week i get pissy drunk). therapy isn't my thing, but i need to do something.

will i always feel guilty? do i try to get her back?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!

PLAYER FOR LIFE?

2011-04-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

i dumped my ex and now i feel she might be the one. she had goals, drive and a stable career while i'm still in 'mister cool guy' mode. it was a control issue (on my part) and i just couldn't make her what i wanted to be. now i feel that if i settled down and 'got it together' then she would come back. friends say i'll resent her and to keep my playboy lifestyle alive.

i miss her, but is that enough reason to settle down? how long can i keep up this player attitude for?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!

MATERIAL DETOX

2011-03-29T09:28:00.001-07:00

Spring has sprung and that means, you got it, spring cleaning. pack rats, clutter bugs and borderline hoarders, take note. Ever heard the saying 'messy house, messy mind?' No judgement, but it's true as your environment is a reflection OF you. Your home is where you day starts and begins, where you set off into the world and where you retire. Two important reasons to keep it together. When the closet looks like a closet (versus a used clothing bin) you save time in the morning, dress confidently and the day starts off right. When the house looks people friendly, you're inclined to entertain, creating deeper relationships. The home can truly be a sanctuary, your little piece of heaven, should you do the work a few times a year to de-clutter. Get started!

splurge on an organizer to help you. consultations are normally free, $50/hour on average.
head to Ikea or The Organizer Store to get inspired.
refurbish shoddy furniture or frames - paint, new hardware, upholstery; they go a long way!
never used items? post it on craigslist and make some cash (for that organizer!)
find your never worn or gently used clothes and hold a clothing swap
donate your old prom or grad dress, even old work clothes to a woman's shelter
group your collections together - books, candles, trinkets, display your precious things

Don't you feel better already? Wrangle a few friends (who are good at this sort of thing) and set aside a weekend to get started. This is more then just having a clean home you can be proud of, it's about appreciating that you have one (let me remind you about our friends in Japan.). Its YOUR floor to clean, its YOUR bed to make. A billion people on our planet would just looove the idea of having a hot shower every morning. It's about staying present. Not hanging on to the dress you'll wear 'one day' or the sofa that reminds you of an old love. All we have right now, is RIGHT NOW. So lets do our little bitty part to make it enjoyable.

FOOD DETOX

2011-03-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Can you hear that? Its the internal screams of women who see signs of spring and know that bathing suit season is upon us. Reader, I will never tell you do go on a diet, but I will encourage you to detox and flush out the useless traces of egg nog, Valentines chocolate and St. Patty's brew thats added a little stuffin' to your muffin. Bye bye bloat, retained water, and (if you double up with moderate exercise) a couple pounds. A detox is about feeling better, and taking control of what you take IN to your body. As we shift seasons and get inspired by the blooming colors of nature and new wardrobes, I'll share my tips for a food detox.

The toughest part is flushing out "yummy foods" and all the junk that comes with it. Be it a lifestyle change, or a deep cleanse one week a month, I promise you will notice a difference after a few of these changes. I'm not going to get into 'stool' details (leave it to Dr. Oz for that) but you will see a difference in the ol' porcelain throne as well.

warning: when i first started to cleanse, i would have little breakouts - a sign that the toxins are releasing, so detoxing the week before a big event. not a good idea.

limit your caffeine/stimulant intake (ween yourself off slowly. otherwise you could be a hazard to society)
nix processed foods (if the first three ingredients are words you can't pronounce, dont ingest!)
nix processed sugars (all of the glucose, fructose, detxtrose - it means sugar. so does corn syrup)
bye-bye fast food (a meal of true quality costs more then $2.)
limit salt (especially around your monthly. though you might crave it *raises hands* you'll retain water.)
cut out red meat (all meat is best, otherwise eat lean chicken, turkey and fish. one meatless day a week)
see-ya fried foods
curb the late night eating (a.k.a breakfast after the club. you're dehydrated. try tea, fresh juice or soup)
soda/sugary juices/creamy drinks (youre drinking your calories! might as well have a cheeseburger.)
stop skipping meals (starving bodies store everything as fat. stash fruit in your purse, granola bars in the car)

Its all common sense right? And don't piss and moan to me young ones about cutting out KFC. You either want to feel better, or you don't. It's your body. But before you mow down on that drumstick, think 'is this what i want to be doing?". If not, keep reading. That was a long list of DON'Ts, now here are the DO's.

drink waterwaterwater (get a cute aluminum bottle and keep fillin' er up!)
look at the colors on your plate (the brighter the color, the more vitamins and antioxidants!)
shop the perimeter of the grocery store (seafood, deli, bakery, produce, dairy)
explore the farmer markets (get to know the people who grow your food and try new ones!)
take your vitamins (i take a multi, B12, fish oil, and folic acid - important if you want to have kids.)
steam, sauna, soak (condition your hair and sit in the steam room, loosen those tight muscles in the sauna)

Loving yourself is about taking CARE of yourself. A detox requires some discipline but the biggest factor is a feeling of deserving. You my dear deserve to feel your best. Don't you dare feel guilty about making time to relax, not after the hard work you put into looking after others. No one is going to check if you're taking your vitamins or say, "hey, you look beat. time to go to the spa." Its up to you to be in tune with your physical, emotional and mental health and well being.

The patient should be made to understand that he or she must take charge of his own life.

Don't take your body to the doctor as if he were a repair shop.

~Quentin Regestein

'EMOTIONAL DETOX'

2011-03-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

"letting go of what is dead lets me step into what is more alive."

an external makeover feels great. an internal cleanse, refreshing. what about an emotional detox?

i recently wrote about our gifts liying next to our wounds and the process of facing those wounds in order to access our gifts. i'm talkin' about pushing through the heavy stuff - the heartbreak, dissapointment, shame and grief that you share with 6.5 billion people. there may have been times where these feelings were so palpable you wanted to die, or tried to. but you are still here. a PART of you needed to die, that painful part that was eveloping your life. i want to show you how to move it out of the way so the rest of you can live.

this is a symbolic excersise to 'end' a painful chapter in your life. a funeral or an 'emotional detox'.

· select a site. (away from your home, a quiet place of reflection)

· set aside 'grave' markers. (stones or flowers work well)

· choose a symbol to bury. (a piece of clothing, photograph, letter, or trinket that represents your painful chapter. ie: miscariage/abortion = childs toy or shoes)

· write. (a song, poem or letter to be shared. a letter to your 'wounded self' from a 'healed self' is powerful)

· form your procession. (gather a close group of people who have and will support you)

· commence with the funeral. (procession to the site, bury symbol, share words. take your time)

· celebrate. (have a party, share a meal, embrace the love and support and savor a new beginning)

each one us carries weight from the past, some more then others. you dont need to have a funeral for just one thing, and if there are a few people who have shared a similar loss, and you feel comfortable sharing, help their healing and invite them. signifying the challenges we've faced in life acts as a poiniant reminder that we survived. life will keep putting weight on your shoulders, but i do hope this excersise has given you a tool for lightening the load.

~nova

p.s

a few months back, i wrote an experience about 'healing the hurt' in a different way. click the link to read more.

OUR GIFTS LIE NEXT TO OUR WOUNDS

2011-03-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

butilovememore.com contains motivational non-fiction pieces, meaning, 'the stuff you can't make up" and "celebrating the courage it takes to talk it." with that said, can we get really REAL for a minute? ladies this is for you. i need to talk to you about the secrets that get pushed to the back of the sock drawer. the abuse and misuse of our sex, body and gifts. the manipulation of our kindness and loyalty. the perversion of our unwavering, unshakable love. sound familiar? you are not alone. however, i'm not sure if that makes your feel comfortable or disturbed or both.

as a mentor i have been taught that "our gifts lie next to our wounds". here is the tradeoff. to access the talents and purpose that only we can exude, we have to get honest and clear about what our wounds are. to take an internal inventory is the hardest thing in the world, and thats why so many folks don't do it. where we find resistance, we find reward. the things you have a strong aversion to, a 'hell no, i'm not doing that/saying that/sharing that', are the same things, once handled and conquered (via fear or necessity) provide the greatest sense of satisfaction.

what are your wounds?

have you come to terms with your molestation? miscarriage, neglect, abandonment, abortion? rape, abuse, eating disorder, cutting, drug use, disease, shame, addiction? is it still taking up space in a corner of your mind, or it blocking the entrance to your heart? the day you can say THIS HAPPENED TO ME is the day you begin the long process of pushing through to get to the good stuff.

the best way to describe it is like having that hollow, nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach and knowing to feel better you need to get it out, as messy and uncomfortable as it will be. i realize its scary to say you were a victim, or re-live a trauma you worked so hard to forget. i'm not suggesting you go on Twitter and tell all your biz, but if telling a therapist, your sister, best friend, husband or diary will help you to cope, then yes yes HELL yes, tell it all. its your story woman. the ugly and unthinkable have made you beautiful. you can't re-write the past, but you can write a new ending.

so start to write. putting your past on paper does help. create 'a shit list', the who's and whats of your hurt. how old were you, who was he, what happened. its difficult to write it down and more so to read it but i'm telling you, there is some relief that comes when you reach the bottom of that page and realize that you're still standing. your head hasn't exploded and after all of that, remnants of love remain in your heart. this list helps because when we look at what's negative in our lives, the positive becomes THAT much clearer. is this making sense? something that has so much negative power will have, on the flip side, that same amount of power for good. follow me?

you've heard me say, when you don't know what you DO want know what you DONT want. and part of knowing what that DONT want is, is looking what lies behind you on this road. look back to see how far you've come, what you have survived, what you endured. look ahead knowing you have a clean slate, starting at this very moment.

a courageous friend and talented artist released this powerful track on this very subject.

i've played it about 7 times and i'm more and more encouraged by her vulnerability.

IF I JUST HAD....

2011-03-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

*via email*

Something is missing in my life. My life runs at 70% and I think that if i just had better clothes, more money a better job or lost a bit of weight, i'd feel good about where i am for my age. then i could meet someone and then i can get everything else going. people always tell me my life is great and that i'm so lucky to live where i do, but i'm not buying it. i'm not depressed, but i want more then what i have right now and i don't think i'll be happy until i get it.

What is missing in my life? How do I get 'it'?

Have a similar story? Comments? Let us know below.

Check back to read the response from Darling Nicky. She gives it to you straight!

DOES SEXTING CROSS THE LINE?

2011-03-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

*via email*

I'm 34, and in a serious relationship with a wonderful man whom I love and who adores me. We've been living together for just over a year and all is well, but I can admit that the bedroom activity has been dull.

Five months ago, I ran into an old flame while at the gym, and I was instantly flush with the sexual, sensual, aggressive, sexysexy goddess energy that I hadn't felt in a long time. He is still super cute, and also involved, so I didn't think it was a big deal to exchange phone numbers. Since then, we have been flirting by email and "sexting". I've seriously considered arranging a 'fling' with my new friend - nothing emotional, just sex. Is that possible?

I would die if my man did this to me and if he found out, he'd leave me without question.

If i'm not married, can I get away with it?

Does sexting count as cheating?

Have a similar story? Comments? Let us know below.

Check back, Darling Nicky will respond and give it to you straight!

HE'S GREAT BUT...

2011-03-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

*via Twitter*

i was told that the first man we love is our dad and we either go for guys who are just like him or the opposite. is that true? i ask because i'm dating this guy (4 months now) and he's wonderful, he's there for me and all that god stuff, BUT,he likes his beer and when he drinks, he DRINKS. Sometimes I'll get a drunk dial which is cute, but other times he will call and be all 'where are you? i heard you were talking to so and so, i'm coming over." Screaming and not making a lot of sense.

I like him, but it makes me kinda nervous because my brothers drink, my dad drinks, and my uncles and grandfathers drink too. i've seen them fight with my aunties and their girlfriends and its so much drama. i like him, but i don't want all that, i'm only 17.

How can I tell him his drinking makes me nervous?

Will I always go for guys like this?

Have a similar story? Comments? Let us know below.

Check back, Darling Nicky will respond to your questions and give it to you straight.

HOPE FOR JAPAN

2011-03-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

"it was all good just a week ago..."

My brain has still not fully processed the events of the past few days. Seeing our fellow human beings go through unspeakable, unnatural suffering is too much to digest. I've had trouble putting the words down to even write about last week's nightmare, which is strange considering there is so much to say.

It's said that when you live to be a certain age, you start to fully experience life's joys and sorrows. Personally, I can recall the real-time unfolding of recent history's BIG moments; bright green missles flying over Kuwait in the Gulf War, the slow motion tumble of two towers on a sunny morning in September, an agonizing five day wait for rescue after Hurricane Katrina, the unspeakable shock of seeing a family washed away in the "Boxing Day Tsunami", uprisings in Iran and Egypt, a flattened Haiti, a resilient Chile, and now the land of the rising sun has been called on to show their strength and grace once more.

Where is there great loss, there is great good. In these seemingly dark days we need to make a concerted effort to realize GOOD does happen every day. If we see that, we risk become apathetic. Even in a mind numbing disaster like we have in Japan, there are tales of heroism, community, togetherness and loved ones reuniting. Events of this scale command a new respect for our Mother Nature and stress the importance of that common thread that weaves through each of our 6.5 billion relatives. How many more times does our world literally need to be rocked before we grab that thread and hang on like our lives depend on it? As we trudge on and upwards into the 21st century, take stock of the big events that moved you and extract the message from that mess as best you can. Good things happen everyday. Remind yourself, remind another, then grab that thread and hang on.

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY

2011-03-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

~Patricia Reilly

Submissions for ...but i love me more: The Book.

2011-03-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the 100^th International Women’s Day, it seemed right to put out the call to my wonderful friends, readers and mentors, whose stories have always encouraged me.

“…but i love me more” (the book) will be a collection of non-fiction personal essays which detail intimate experiences of overcoming life’s obstacles and living to tell the tale. If your ‘past pain has propelled your future progress’ then we want to share your story. This is a wonderful opportunity to show your strength in order to encourage others who may be in a similar situation right now.

· If you are interested in contributing (or know someone who should share her story) please send it by APRIL 15th to: butilovememore@gmail.com. Include your essay in the body of the email and as an attachment with the subject line of But I Love Me More - Book.

· Submissions should be over 500 words.

· If you care to use an alias(s) we respect and will comply with that.

· All ages are welcome (those over 50, we really want to hear your wisdom!)

Use your humor, sincerity and natural story-telling style to share your experience. Some ideas to consider.

· explain the biggest challenge/life changing moment in your life to date.

· describe your headspace when you were in the midst of it.

· who supported you?

· who/what inspired you? (people, books, music, places, food)

· when did you decide “I’ve had enough” and how did you move forward?

· describe in detail the action you took and what results you saw.

· how did it make you better? what was the lesson?

· what advice can you share with the woman who is in that same situation right now?

Continue to check this site and the Facebook Fan Page for updates.

Thank you SO much for all of your support and I look forward to reading your incredible stories.

~Nova

DECIDE TO COMMIT

2011-03-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

The final step to 'loving yourself more' is action and sewn inside that magic word is 'commitment'. Saying yes is the easy part. Sticking to 'it' when its not fun anymore, a wee bit tougher. We are told to commit no MATTER what, that its mind over MATTER, hey, what's the MATTER? The matter is the sludge that distracts us, the voice of the evil twin on our shoulder, the tap tap tap of distraction doubt and drama.

When you do decide, seeing the completed result in your mind and pushpushpush until the moment of completion, you truly realize what your grey MATTER can achieve regardless of anything else. The final congratulations, the freedom that comes through focus, the relief of beating the 'block' and the win over the initial fears all begins with the decision to commit. When those tap tap taps get tap tap tapping (like they always do) take a breath, remember the outcome you want, shake off the imaginary fear and decide to commit once more.

Take in this gorgeous poem of inspiration to assist in welcoming the spring season of commitment.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back;

always, ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative (and creation).

There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself,then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,

raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance

which no one could have dreamed would have come their way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now.

~Goethe

FEMALE BULLY FOREVER?

2011-03-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

Since I can remember, my reputation has been of a tough chick. In school, I was a total tomboy, excelled at sports, and was picked to be on the guys soccer team when other girls my age were cheerleading and crushing my teammates. To hold my own, I was a bit of a scrapper, never backing down to a fight, no matter who or how many girls were dogging me out. There are a million bars I've been tossed out of, I have put girl in and been to the hospital myself because of my fighting, and when I get really crazy angry and no one is around, I've made it habit of destroying property (cars, computers, pouring bleach on clothes)

A month ago, my best friend got caught up in one of my battles (I wasn't there) and she got beat really, really bad. The other girl literally broke her face (orbital bone) and my friend almost went blind. I think it was a wake up call, but I almost can't help but fight. I give dirty looks when I'm out to eat, and when there is alcohol involved, its a matter of time until i'm fighting.

I'm scared I could get really hurt and that I wont' get into a good school with a bad reputation.

How do I soften up this tough girl?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know and Darling Nicky will give it to you straight!

CHEATING KARMA

2011-03-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

I'm 17 and have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 months. A week ago an old flame, tried to heat things up and I did a bad thing! We were together all a day on a project and he was flirting, I was flirting and we made out. A lot. Suddenly all these emotions, that I thought were dead for this guy, came rushing forward.

Then, I saw my boyfriend and remembered how much I care for him and cut the old flame off right then. They don't know one another and I can't imagine him telling people as he has a girl too (and she's pregnant). If he leaves me, I can just get another man, but I DO want to work it out.

I cheated but I want to stay with my man and put this behind me. Is that possible?

Will he cheat on me now?

Have a similar story? Comments? Let us know and Darling Nicky will give it to you straight!

SPIRITUALLY SEEKING

2011-03-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

*via email*

After a rough couple years, I feel like I'm finally ready to start some kind of spiritual something. I'm not a religious person per say (haven't been to a church in years and have no connection to it), but I feel like I need to get in touch with my inner self. I'm not sure where to start. I tried meditation, but couldn't shut up the noise in my head. Yoga is ok, but I don't think thats enough. All the other areas of my life (work, family, money, love, health) are in good working order, I just want to give my spirit the same attention.

What is the best way to get in touch with my spirituality and how do I know what is right for me?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below and Darling Nicky will give it to you straight!

GIRLS WHO GET IT- LAILA ALI

2011-02-23T23:58:00.001-08:00

A boxer since the age of 15, Laila Ali followed in the footsteps of her legendary father, Muhammad Ali. Despite her parent’s objections, Laila insisted that boxing was something she wanted to pursue professionally and achieved great success in a career that put the sport on the map for women.

Though she focused on earned a Business degree from Santa Monica College, Laila was a natural boxer from the get-go. In 1999, she proved to the world what it meant to wear the name “Ali” on her shorts when she knocked out her first opponent in their first round. Laila later went on to fight Jackie Frazer-Lyde, daughter of boxing great Joe Frazer, in a highly-anticipated match in 2001. Winning after eight rounds, this fight was the first Pay Per View match of its kind between two Black women and was reminiscent of the fight trilogy between the women’s fathers years prior. Before retiring from the boxing world, Laila was awarded several titles, including Women's International Boxing Association (WIBA) Super Middleweight Champion, International Women's Boxing Federation (IWBF) Super Middleweight Champion and International Boxing Association (IBA) Super Middleweight Champion.

In addition to inspiring women in the ring, Laila co-authored the 2002 book Reach! Finding Strength, Spirit and Personal Power aimed to motivate the next generation. Since retiring from the world of professional boxing, she went on to show off her athleticism on the popular television show Dancing with the Stars, where she placed third in 2010 with zero dance experience. No stranger to television, Laila also hosts the remake of the 1989 hit American Gladiators alongside former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan.

Once divorced, Laila is now happily remarried to former NFL player Curtis Conway. Pregnant with her second child, the couple continues to expand their large family.

Powerful, positive and passionate, Laila Ali is a Girl Who Gets It.

To gain more insight into what Laila brings to the table, check out her interview with Nova here:

Profile by: Daina-Astwood George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT-QUEEN LATIFAH

2011-02-23T23:46:00.000-08:00

Dana Owens, known to the world as Queen Latifah used her natural musical talent to launch what would become a rich and diverse career in the entertainment industry. The winner of a Golden Globe Award, two SAG Awards, two Image Awards and one Grammy Award, Latifah (which means “delicate” and “very kind” in Arabic) came from humble beginnings before taking the world by storm.

A child divorced parents, Latifah experienced additional hardships growing up when her older brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. The loss, amplified by the fact that the motorcycle was a recent gift from her, triggered a bout of depression and drug abuse. A resilient woman, Latifah eventually overcame these obstacles and discussed her hardships in her 1999 autobiography, Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman.

One of the few women in an industry dominated by men, Latifah broke into world of hip hop by showing off her beatboxing skills in 1988. One year later, she dropped her first album All Hail the Queen, putting female rappers on the map when she was just 19 years old. Though her success as a rapper was climbing steadily, Latifah changed her tune after her fourth album and began dabbling in soul and jazz music.

Her powerful voice would eventually take her to the big screen, where she would star in the Hollywood hits Chicago, for which she received an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress as “Mama” and the film version of the Broadway hit Hairspray, where she won audiences over with her portrayal of “‘Motormouth’ Maybelle”. Before her mainstream success, however, Latifah was cast in the 90s sitcom Living Single, a popular show amongst black audiences for which she wrote and performed the theme song.

Now a spokesperson for CoverGirl, Latifah also has her own line of cosmetics within the brand called the “CoverGirl Queen Collection” and has launched a line of perfume called “Queen”. She also represents Pizza Hut, Curvation ladies underwear and Jenny Craig, a program she used to trim her figure. A former high school basketball player, Latifah now kickboxes to stay in shape.

A multi-talented star who has been a role model to women since the 80s, Queen Latifah is a Girl Who Gets It.

you know I had to include this...U.N.I.T.Y. 1993. her acting ability shines here.

Profile by: Daina-Astwood George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT-TONI MORRISON

2011-02-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

One of the Black community’s greatest treasures, Toni Morrison has been instrumental in bringing the African-American story to mainstream readers. Known for her vivid description of the Black experience, Toni’s most popular novels include Song of Solomon, Beloved, and The Bluest Eye, an Oprah’s Book Club pick which she wrote as a professor at Howard University while raising two children.

Born Chloe Anthony Wofford, Toni was an avid reader growing up. An admirer of Jane Austen and Leo Tolstoy, her writing career began at Howard when she joined an informal group of writers and poets who gathered regularly to discuss their work. Since those casual meetings, Toni has grown to become a literary icon, winning a Pulitzer for Beloved in 1998, a novel which was adapted for the big screen and named “the best American novel published in the last 25 years” by The New York Times Book Review, as well as a Nobel Prize in Literature in 1993. Reaching out to readers of all ages, she has also co-written children’s books with her son.

A longtime supporter of the arts, Toni created the Princeton Atelier while working in the Ivy League University’s Creative Writing Program, an initiative connecting students with world-famous artists for the creation and celebration of new art. During her time at Princeton, Toni fostered creative studies of all kinds, using her experience to support the development of up-and-coming talent and new forms of expression.

Recently celebrating her 80^th birthday, Toni is still gifting the world with the written word. Her most recent novel, A Mercy, was an LA Times bestseller described as “a work of poetry and intelligence…exposing the infamies of slavery and the hardships of being African American.”

For continually demonstrating the true power of storytelling, Toni Morrison is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina-Astwood George

Follow: @ILikeDags

KNOCK IT OFF

2011-02-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

This excellent article on squashing the negative talk is one I had to share. In a previous post, I mentioned that a study discovered that 97% of women engage in negative talk about their bodies. Not, oh my arms jiggle, I mean "you're not ever going to meet anyone you disgusting cow" type talk. Ouch. At the end of that piece, I stressed the point that we need to do better, and what do you know, this was the next piece I read.

Sharing is caring and this is worth the read.

Open Your Ears
How can you improve a situation if you aren’t quite sure what it is? Before you can remove the negative self-talk, you have to sit with it and hang out. Get to know it a bit and let it be heard. This isn’t easy. In fact, it can be downright painful. But, while you can consciously ignore these voices, your subconscious is at their mercy. So it’s time to bring them to the surface.

Sit down with a piece of paper and start the conversation. Invite the voices to take over. Make notes and don’t try to argue or reason or counter the horrible things you are hearing. Simply be with them. But here’s the key: Set a timer. No more than 10 minutes should be spent entertaining these voices. Once the timer goes off, stand up and shake it off. Don’t fall into the rabbit hole.

Keep the paper with you over the next few days. Listen closely to your mental musings. Write down the common phrases that come up—the ones that dampen your spirits and discourage you. Note that sometimes they might sound like the voices of reason. But always be skeptical. “Sabotage” is often disguised as “logic”.

Reveal Limiting Beliefs
Once you truly understand what you’re up against, it’s time to start peeling back the layers. What’s beneath this nonsense? Where did it come from?

Sometimes, the source is easy to place. Some people say the voice is their father’s or grandmother’s or the voice of their third-grade teacher. But often it’s not so clear. All of your past experiences and mistakes just get rolled into a great big list of limiting beliefs—preconceived notions that keep you from moving forward in life. The beliefs are so strongly held that you actually treat them as facts. And these are the fodder for those nasty voices!

Beneath every word of negative self-talk, there’s a limiting belief that blinds you to the reality of the world and tricks you into fear and doubt. Bring these beliefs into the light and do some analysis. Most won’t stand up to a critical eye.

Stop Accepting It
The sad truth of the matter is that if we spoke to others the way we speak to ourselves, they’d probably accuse us of emotional abuse. Those awful, punishing words we throw in our own direction would simply be unacceptable if we hurled them at others. And, more than likely, we wouldn’t tolerate them coming our way from anyone else either. Yet, every day, we let them bounce around in our most sacred space—our mind—taking root and growing into complicated webs of negativity.

It’s time to declare a boycott. Take a stand. Start a revolution in your head. This doesn’t have to be a big, overblown act of defiance. Simply recognize that the thought patterns you’ve been living with are no longer welcome. Evict them. “Nice to know you. Goodbye.”

You may be tempted to skip this step but please don’t. Trust that there is unbelievable power in this recognition and in making the decision that something is no longer okay.

Affirm & Repeat
The final step in this process is to develop a strategy for resistance. In the past, you’ve been complacent, letting the negative self-talk just happen. No more, my friend. From here on out, you’re going to implement some counter-measures.

Since these voices are often so subtle as to go unnoticed, you need to create your own positive patterns of thought. The goal is to make these new statements just as unconscious as the current negative ones. And the best way to do that is through repetition. Create a list of four or five specific, short and simple affirmations. Try to keep them present as well, so instead of saying “I will…” say “I am…” For example:

I am capable of meeting this challenge.
I handle setbacks with grace and ease.
I have the strength to overcome obstacles and reach my goals.

Repeat your personal affirmations as often as possible throughout the day. They are mantras that should become completely mindless over time. Whenever you notice a negative voice, push it out with your affirmation. While at first this may take conscious effort, eventually, it will become second nature.

When utilized consistently, these points will help slowly turn those voices in your head into more accepting, loving and encouraging allies. But beware that the negative ones will probably still hide in the corners, quietly waiting for the right moment to strike. So there’s never a point at which you can just tune out and consider your work done. Stay engaged. Keep working. And never let the inmates run the asylum.

BEATING A BAD BODY IMAGE

2011-02-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

Almost every female beyond puberty has issues with her body. There are grown women with children who still refer to their reproductive organs as 'down there' - a clear case of that discomfort. In the media, "body trends" seem to change every few years, as if our appendages are the latest handbag. A toned pilates body one year, a ba-donk-a-donk the next, bee-stung lips or Snufalupagus eyelashes. I'm personally waiting for the soft tummy trend to break.

Pop culture plays it's part, but the woman in the mirror must take some accountability for her own negative self talk. A new poll by Glamour magazine found that 97 PERCENT of women experience "I hate my body" thoughts daily. *hand slowly raises*

The point is, that if our partner talked to us with such disrespect, earrings would be off and slaps would be laid out. Yet we make it OK to take this abuse from ourselves. We can do better then this ladies.

Cindi Levie (Glamour magazine's editor in chief) and Ann Kearny-Cooke, Ph.D speak to Meridith Vieria about the troubling stats that show we all have an inner critic. This statement about the continued negative dialogue was all I needed to hear.

"Neurons that fire together, wire together, meaning, you create strong neuro-pathways in your brain which make it easier for you to talk negatively about yourself."

Now if that doesn't give you an AH-HA...

Watch the video and next time you pick up the bat to start beating yourself up, follow these points. I hope it helps.

Is this really about my body?
(write down when you have a negative thought, what situation you are in and is that negative distracting you from something else?)

Exercise
(endorphins released when you get physical, make you feel better!)

Stop
(think of a STOP sign and re-focus.)

Remind yourself that obsessing doesn't yield results
(negative talk doesn't help you if you're fat or thin.)

Play up your strengths
(hair, legs, smile, shoulders - take care of it and show it off! Then, get back to the rest of your life.)

Keep a journal
(make a point of writing down that negative talk. seeing it externally vs hearing it internally can make an impact)

GIRLS WHO GET IT- VANESSA WILLIAMS

2011-02-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

A successful recording artist and actress, Vanessa Williams has a slew of impressive accomplishments under her belt. Her rise, however, has not been without its falls.

As the first Black woman to be crowned Miss America, Vanessa’s career showed nothing but promise in the early eighties. With the words, “Here she is: Miss America” written on her birth announcement, her parents seemed to have a sixth sense for what the future would hold. Yet, Vanessa’s 1983 reign was unfortunately short lived. Following a series of hate mail and death threats, the first in pageant history, she was forced to relinquish her title 10 months after her win when nude photos of her taken in her earlier years surfaced.

In true survivor form, however, Vanessa rebounded by launching her career as an entertainer. A former student of the piano and French horn, she always had an ear for music. Vanessa followed her passion for singing and song writing, releasing eight albums since 1988. Over the years, her talents have not gone unnoticed – she has earned an array of Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award nominations, winning both an Academy Award and a Grammy for the 1996 song “Colors of the Wind”, which she had a hand in writing for the animated movie Pocahontas.

Since her foray into show business, Vanessa showed the world that she can do more than just sing, parlaying her music success into an acting career. Starring in movies like Soul Food and Shaft, Vanessa is best known for her role as villainess Wilhelmina Slater in the comedy series Ugly Betty. As if one hit show wasn’t enough, she has also joined the cast of Desperate Housewives for its seventh season.

Similar to her professional life, Vanessa’s personal life hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing. Like her professional life, though, she’s managed to overcome her challenges to find happiness and inner peace. Divorced twice with four children, Vanessa balances motherhood and a career in front of the cameras beautifully, taking the obstacles thrown at her in stride.

For making a mountain of hurdles look like an insignificant molehill, Vanessa Williams is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT- SUSAN SARANDON

2011-02-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

Passionate and informed, Susan Sarandon has grown from a dedicated film and television actress into a dedicated film and television actress…with a political pastime. Known for her involvement in a variety of causes, Susan has spent years building a remarkable reputation outside of Hollywood’s walls. Before fighting for a better world, however, Susan was making a name for herself by battling her way to stardom.

Now a veteran in the entertainment industry, Susan has been working in films and television since 1969. The eldest of nine children, she earned a BA in drama the year prior and never looked back, immediately striving to carve out a niche for herself in the business.

A star of “cult favourites”, Susan appeared in the legendary musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show in 1975, as well as in 1983’s The Hunger, a racy story about vampires that involved a controversial lesbian sex scene. Since then, she has received five Academy Award nominations, winning in 1995 for her performance in Dead Man Walking.

In addition to her acting career, which also includes voice work on The Simpsons, Susan has become recognized for her social and political activism surrounding a variety of liberal causes. Alongside former partner Tim Robbins, with whom she has two sons, Susan has openly thrown her support behind a number of important initiatives. In 2006, she received the Action Against Hunger Humanitarian Award, and has been honoured for her work as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador and an advocate for victims with HIV / AIDS. Susan is also works with the New York International Children’s Film Festival (NYICFF) dedicated to screening films for children between the ages of three and 18.

Merging her interests in both movies and politics, Susan has also contributed the narration of approximately two dozen documentaries. In 1995, she was one of many Hollywood actors, directors and writers who were interviewed for The Celluloid Closet, examining the depiction of homosexuality in film. Not one to stand idly by, Susan also took a stance against the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

For preaching love, not war, both on and off screen, Susan Sarandon is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina-Astwood George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT-NATALIE PORTMAN

2011-02-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

There’s no argument that Natalie Portman is beautiful, but her talent and intelligence put this Hollywood actress on a totally different playing field.

Born in Jerusalem, Israel, Natalie had her first taste of the limelight at age four as a dancer performing in local troupes. A self-proclaimed “serious kid”, she felt a drive and ambition that set her apart from her peers at an early age, later moving out of dancing and turning down modelling opportunities to focus on acting.

Though she spent her holidays in theatre camps, Natalie put her education before her craft, eventually enrolling at Harvard University in 1999 to study psychology and completing her Bachelor’s degree in 2003. Simultaneously working on the Star Wars films, she opted to skip the premiere of Episode I so she could study for her exams. Quoted saying, “I don't care if [college] ruins my career…I'd rather be smart than be a movie star,” Natalie’s disciplined attitude resulted in her co-authoring two research papers that went on to be published in scientific journals.

Did I mention that she’s also fluent in Hebrew and has studied French, Japanese, German and Arabic? YEAH.

Natalie has won numerous awards for her acting chops, including two Golden Globes, one SAG Award and one Teen Choice Award. She’s also been nominated for two Academy Awards for her work in the 2005 movie Closer and this year’s dark thriller, Black Swan. The part that generated big buzz, however, was in the 2006 film V for Vendetta, where Natalie learned to speak with a British accent and shaved her head for the starring role.

In addition to being dealt one killer hand at birth, Natalie has chosen to be an advocate for animal rights, a devoted anti-poverty activist and a supporter of the Democratic Party, where she campaigned for nominee Senator John Kerry in 2004, Senator Hillary Clinton in 2008 and now president Barack Obama during his general election.

To top it all off, Natalie will also be adding the roles of wife and mother to her resume, as she and fiancé Benjamin Millepied, a ballet dancer, are currently expecting their first child.

Gorgeous, gifted and giving back, Natalie Portman is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina-Astwood George

Follow: @ILikeDags

YOU ARE WORTHY

2011-02-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

In the celebration of love and self-love, please take in this insightful 20 minute video. Expand your perceptions and listen to a thoughtful explanation as to why we think what we think of ourselves.

highlights include...

"The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, believe they are worthy of love and belonging."

Those who are worthy possess the following:

"The courage to be imperfect.

The compassion to be kind to yourself first and then to others.

Connection as a result of authenticity. A belief in what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful"

WANT LOVE? TRY GRATITUDE.

2011-02-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

It's Valentines Day and a few of you are feeling miserable, lonely, "unloved".

Knock it off already or it will stay that way! By zoning in on what you lack, you ignore all that you have. There are people around you, maybe right in this moment, that love you and you love in return. Is it romantic love? okay, no, but does that not count? If you want to feel love, to feel warm and tingly and needed, show your gratitude.

Do something nice for someone you care about today, embrace and recognize the solid team you've built for yourself, those who support you unconditionally. THAT is love. If you're single, congratulations! Your life has limitless possibilities in this very moment. This can be the start of a loving relationship with yourself, to explore interests, talents, forgotten passions and reflection that get put to the side when lust comes knocking at the door.

When we show gratitude to another person, a vacuum effect of lovelovelove is created.

This sweet story should remind you about the small acts of love that impact the lives of others.

Happy Valentines Day

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.

He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help."

There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by he took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.

He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.

He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up, a lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.

The boy recognized his footsteps and asked,

"Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth, I said what you said but in a different way.

"I wrote: 'Today is a beautiful day; but I cannot see it.'"

Both signs told people that the boy was blind but the first sign simply said the boy was blind.

The second sign reminded people how fortunate they were to have their sight.

Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story:

Be thankful for what you have. Be creative.

Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.

Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

It's a beautiful thing to see a person smiling. But even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason for the smile! Faith is not about everything turning out OK; faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out.

GIRLS WHO GET IT- MEASHA BRUEGGERGOSMAN

2011-02-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

Measha Brueggergosman is a perfectly-balanced juxtaposition: one part silly girl next door who sings Justin Timberlake in her bathroom, one part classically-trained vocalist who has been revered on stages worldwide.

Hailing from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Measha took the music industry by storm with her powerful pipes. A Canadian soprano who performs both as an opera singer and concert artist, Measha knew from an early age that her voice was destined to be heard.

A dedicated music student at seven years old, Measha grew up singing in her church choir and listening to classical music on CBC Radio. Focused on perfecting her skills, she trained with a local voice coach as a teenager and was soon recognized for her talent, later invited to spend her summers at the Boston Conservatory on music scholarships.

A longtime lover of expressing herself vocally, Measha graduated from the University of Toronto with a B.Mus. degree, a success that led her to pursue a Master's degree at the Robert Schumann Hochschule in Düsseldorf, Germany. She has since performed as a professional singer all over the world, including at Carnegie Hall and the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Olympic Winter Games, as well as with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.

Adding to Measha’s already impressive repertoire is the 2007 designation of Goodwill Ambassador for the African Medical and Research Foundation (AMREF), a charity working for better health in Africa. In her role, she travelled to the war-affected village of Patongo where she used her voice as a form of musical therapy for the local children.

In June 2009, Measha suffered a heart condition and took some time off to recover from open heart surgery. Not allowing this obstacle to hold her back, she returned to the stage later that year to perform at the Toronto International Film Festival.

To date, Measha has also been the recipient of the prestigious Canada Council and Chalmers Performing Arts grants, and has been nominated for a Juno Award not once, but twice. In 2008, she won for Classical Album of the Year. One of the few Black singers in her field, Measha has established herself as a trailblazer and role model to future generations.

A brilliant talent breaking the music mould, Measha Brueggergosman is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT-HELEN MIRREN

2011-02-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have a mild fascination with Helen Mirren. An accomplished actress, she exudes a confidence and regality that seems unmatched in Hollywood, and the choices she makes are unexpectedly daring. She’s a beauty who isn’t afraid to show her audience that she’s comfortable in her own skin, having taken roles and posed for photos that showcase her seductive side. At 65, Helen makes being talented, looking sensuous and aging gracefully look like child’s play.

Born in London, England, Helen experienced a few challenges in her early days. Admitting to being date raped as a student and dabbling in cocaine in later years, she had to overcome a few hardships as a young woman to get to where she is today. Once she discovered her love for acting, however, Helen developed her craft, spending many years both on stage and on screen. She went on to receive four Screen Actors Guild Awards, four Emmys, three Golden Globes, two Cannes Film Festival Awards and one Oscar for her work, and was also appointed a Dame of the British Empire in 2003. But who’s counting?

What I find most interesting about Helen, however, is how well she holds her own in an industry that is often discriminatory against women of a certain age. Her elegance and sharp wit make her naturally attractive, but she shocked the world two years ago when she hit the beach in a red bikini and redefined the term sex symbol.

Challenging the impression of the mature female actress, Helen also holds her own amongst Hollywood’s leading men. Her most recent role as a retired CIA agent in RED had her kicking ass as an action star, but this veteran performer doesn’t consider herself a star at all. A self-described “working actress”, she’s humble about her success, a characteristic that merely adds to her charm.

For convincing the world that 65 is the new 30, Helen Mirren is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT - JILL SCOTT

2011-02-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

Though she is a beautiful singer, gifted songwriter, dedicated actress and soulful poet, this list of talents merely scratches the surface of Jill Scott’s appeal. A quiet storm in the entertainment industry, there’s no denying that her music contains the same elements as her legendary predecessors’: songs that are capable of seizing your soul, keeping your attention and making you swoon.

If I sound biased, it’s because I absolutely am. I deemed Jill my favourite singer a long time ago and you’ll often find me listening to her sultry, playful albums on repeat. Between the truthful lyrics, the multi-dimensional instrumentals and the unexpected giggling, there’s an honestly in Jill’s music that is utterly seductive. Her charm, however, stems beyond these qualities, as she continually uses her voice to address issues that are bigger than her.

It seems to me that a song is never just a song for Jill. Switching effortlessly from the purr of a kitten to the roar of a lion, she consistently communicates messages of love, lust, strength, independence and discrimination. Undaunted, she calls out everyone from her exes to George Bush, where “truth” is always the underlying theme in her work. Over the course of her career, Jill’s has earned three Grammys for her talent, using her devastating divorce to fuel her most recent album.

When she’s not wooing us with her creative endeavours, Jill can be found giving back to underserved communities. Founder of the Blues Babe Foundation, she is committed to assisting college-bound students artistically and academically by providing them with programs that promote leadership and academic excellence.

An artist who uses honesty to both entertain and educate, Jill Scott is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

WORKING WITH INFORMATION GIVEN

2011-02-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

"I can only work based on information given." An insightful perspective given to me by my fifty something running partner. Emotion and assumption can get us in trouble when attempting to come to a decision rooted in the land of reason.

When dealing with others, be it co-workers, friends, family or a snippy customer service rep who hates her job, I save myself both stress and confusion by working with the information given. Doing this allows the facts to rise to the surface while fluffy pleasantries move out the way like Luda on the dancefloor. I'll even repeat back what the person has said to me, so that THEY are clear on what they requested or what they have revealed. "So you want to me to do ______, _____, and _____ for YOU while YOU watch television and wait for feeding time? Am I right about that?"

In my dating days of yester-year, this mantra of "let me know what my options are" allowed the gentleman in question a one time chance to be honest with no judgement or concequence. If he was dating others, just looking for fun, working with a hectic schedule or whatever, this was the time to tell me. Then, I could act accordingly (based on information given) and spare the drama that comes with mixed messages and games. If he was dishonest with that information and I was made aware of it, the 'why-me-i'm-an-idiot-for-falling-for-it" routine was trimmed down from a few days to a few hours. A liar is a liar. its not personal.

We know what we want, but we can be swayed by the clarity, conviction and confidence of others. Suddenly all our needs are out the door. By asking up front, in a way true to me, I gave myself the option of choice and that my friends is a powerful option to have.

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY

2011-02-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

Words hold so much power when we are communicating with the ones closest to us. I have spent hours on the phone with friends trying to determine the deeper meaning of a few short words and I bet I'm not the only one out there. Does this sound familiar? I said 'I love you' and he said 'thanks'. What does that mean? or 'All I needed to hear was 'I'm sorry' but she can't even say it.

We are sensitive, uptight creatures who need to know the why's of words. Your life and the lives of others can catapult into an entirely new direction based on what is heard or said. I Do. I'm Pregnant. Help Me. All life changers. Only you can control what comes out of your mouth (a powerful skill) so choose wisely. Sometimes a few words can say it all.

Thanks to @neaLOA and Dumb Little Man for a thoughtful list!

Thank you
Because every single one of us longs to feel appreciated, words of gratitude make the heart sing. Thank you, I appreciate you, I’m grateful for you—these words are food for the soul.

I forgive you
We all screw up. Unintentionally, we may hurt our friends, children, co-workers, and others. Words of forgiveness heal the heart by lifting the crippling burden of guilt.

I love you
Quite possibly the greatest statement of all, nothing compares to, “I love you.” These words reflect the purest, most natural gift known to mankind: love. The only thing that beats saying the words I love you is showing love through action.

I was wrong
Few words have the power to ignite the flame of forgiveness like the unselfish, courageous admission of wrongdoing. When we’re hurt, we know that the past can’t be changed; yet acknowledgment of the pain that has been caused goes a long way towards improving the future.

You are beautiful
When we feel ugly inside or out, it means the world to hear that someone else still thinks we’re beautiful.

It’s okay
When we are worried, hurt, anxious or afraid, these words of reassurance help to bring about peace of mind. If you’ve ever cried on the shoulder of a friend, you know how good it feels to have someone remind you that everything is going to be just fine.

I understand
It’s human nature to try to relate to others, so nothing is more frustrating than feeling misunderstood. In times when we feel alone, misjudged or isolated in our beliefs; an understanding friend is much appreciated. We don’t necessarily need others to agree, but we long for someone who says, “I get it. I understand. I see your point.”

You’re safe
When we feel vulnerable and afraid, these words have the power to restore the sense of security and protection that we crave. Fear may disease the mind, but words of safety are a part of the antidote.

I admire you
Having someone look up to you, think highly of you, or aspire to follow in your footsteps is motivating beyond belief. Words of admiration are empowering, as they impart a sense of importance by reminding us that we’re making an impact.

I support you
When making a tough decision, which may or may not be the best, it means the world to know that someone is on your side no matter what. Statements like, “I’ll be there” and “I support you” encourage us to move forward with less fear of judgment.

You can do it
When you’re contemplating giving up or battling feelings of self-doubt, encouraging words make all the difference in the world. There’s something about knowing that someone else has faith in you that revitalizes the faith you should have in yourself.

You’re the one
These words say I choose you, you are it for me, you are special. Few things top the feeling that comes with knowing that you stand out in an exceptional way to someone.

It’s all about you
Most days in life aren’t all about self, but we never forget the days that are. On occasions like birthdays, graduations and weddings; we thrive in the knowledge that it’s our own special day. It feels great to have unselfish friends who allow your special days to be absolutely 100% about you.

I’m here for you
If you’ve ever needed a shoulder to cry on, you know the power of these words. They remind us that we are not alone, that someone is there to help us through pain, loss, and all of life’s struggles. Even those who appear to have life under control need someone dependable in their corner.

Great job
Great job. Congratulations. Job well done. Whether or not we admit it, most of us delight in others’ recognition of our efforts. Words of praise and recognition inspire us to do more, to work harder and to feel a sense of pride.

I miss you
We can’t always be present with those that we love, yet it means so much to know that we are missed during our absence. This is a way of saying, I love your company and I can’t wait until we’re together again.

You matter
We all want to feel that we are important to someone or something other than ourselves. To hear that you are valued by another person, particularly at times when you feel useless or insignificant, is extra special.

I’m sorry
When the heart aches, a sincere apology sets the stage for forgiveness and healing. I’m sorry, please forgive me, I apologize—these are all statements that show recognition of the damage caused and a desire to ease the pain.

CONFRONTING A CUTTER

2011-02-06T16:43:00.002-08:00

*via email*

my 24 year old, bright, beautiful cousin is in a really dark place. our moms are sisters and i know she grew up with a tough family life, for awhile, we lost contact with her. she is four years older then me but we recently started to hang out again and i noticed she's been cutting herself. she covers it with makeup or wears long sleeves. her arms are mashed up with old scars and new scabs. its so scary! is she trying to die? is this a suicide attempt?

i tried googling some info about it, and it said sexual abuse is a common trigger and i do think her stepdad might have her hurt when she was little and living away from the family, he is a total creep. she is a sweet girl, but depressed, lazy and she doesn't know how much potential she has. i want to respect her privacy, especially since i just came back to her life. i care about her and i'd feel terrible if i waited to say something and it was too late.

how do i talk to her about her cutting and encourage her to get therapy?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below and Darling Nicky will give it to you straight.

CAN YOU BE DADDY'S GIRL WHEN MARRIED?

2011-02-06T16:43:00.001-08:00

*via email*

In short, I'm 34, married and still mooch off my parents. I am a housewife (my husband is very traditional and doesn't want me to work) and my husband was laid off almost two years ago. He's no bum, out there looking and he's had to take two lower paying jobs in order to break even, but it leave no money for 'extras'. Eating out, new clothes, movies or having a life - we just can't afford.

My dad is retired but wants to help even though he is on a fixed income himself. He's lent us money, bought grocery gift cards, bought clothes, the works. I'll look at what I'm wearing and see that every item was bought by or given to me from someone else. When my dad and I argue about his drinking or family issues, I feel I have no right to say anything because I've been outfitted by daddy. Its a pathetic feeling.

Where do I draw the line when it comes to being a daddy's girl?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below! Darling Nicky will give it to you straight.

LENDING MONEY TO MEN

2011-02-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

*via twitter*

My friend has a man that lives off of her. He lost his job and she feels like she has to solve his life for him. She wrote his resume, applies to jobs FOR him -he never does - and for the last SIX MONTHS she pays all of his bills (he has his own place).

When I'm with them, I see the routine; he acts helpless, feels bad he can't buy her things, and to soothe him, she takes care of everything."It's cool, I got it." But this isn't Miss Independent, its Miss I'm-Just-Making-It. It kills me to see women spoil undeserving men, while doing nothing for themselves and getting nothing out of it.

How can I talk to her about putting her foot down with this loser and focusing on HER future?

Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below and Darling Nicky will give you the straight facts.

GIRLS WHO GET IT- CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

2011-02-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Known for brining her acting chops and K-I-L-L-E-R body to the role of Joan Holloway on the award-winning TV series Mad Men, Christina Hendricks is a sight for sore eyes in an industry that favours skinny minis. This redheaded knockout took audiences by storm with her unapologetic, hourglass figure, a look that was reminiscent of decades gone by. Helping to bring curves back to television, Christina is one of the few females on the small screen who represents the sexy, voluptuous woman, and I think it’s fair to say she’s doing her sisters proud.

Despite her success and praise, Christina still faced discrimination in the fashion world. While her costars were getting all dolled up for the 2010 Emmy Awards, Christina was having a hard time getting a designer to loan her something to wear. “People have been saying some nice, wonderful things about me,” she commented. “Yet not one designer in town will loan me a dress. They only lend out a size 0 or 2.” Bringing the issue of waif-like silhouettes and unhealthy body image to the forefront of the fashion industry yet again, Christina ignores the negative insinuations and embraces her size 14 frame.

Needless to say, there’s no cause to worry about Christina. Named "The Sexiest Woman in the World" in a 2010 poll of female readers taken by Esquire magazine, she continues to be a role model to women who, believe it or not, look like women. She was also highlighted as a positive influence for women by the UK Equalities Minister later that year.

For leading by example and reminding us that T&A are totally attractive, Christina Hendricks is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT- TAVI GEVINSON

2011-02-03T06:44:00.000-08:00

While most teenagers seem to do everything in their power to overcome their awkward stage, Tavi Gevinson is making a career out of hers. As one of the fashion’s most inspirational contributors, Tavi has been a lover of the industry her entire life…all 13 years of it.

The voice behind Style Rookie, Tavi has been blogging her views on fashion since the age of 11 and quickly generated buzz amongst some of the industry’s heavy hitters. Known for having a unique personal style (she jokes that people can’t tell if she’s a little girl or a little old lady), this grey-haired teen already has a few major accomplishments under her belt.

Her blog, which features postings and analyses of emerging trends, as well as photographs of her own outfits, caught the attention of the New York Times, launching her audience to over 50,000 readers. And that was just the beginning.

Since then, Tavi has been a front-row guest to an infinite number of couture fashion shows, meeting the likes of Marc Jacobs, Alexander Wang and Anna Wintour, to name a few. Another career high came last year when Tavi was given the opportunity to step in for Fashion Television host and veteran, Jeanne Beker, at New York Fashion Week. There, she quickly demonstrated that you’re never too young to dive in and prove yourself.

For her individuality, for her industry savvy and for being on the frontline of fashion before the age of fourteen,

Tavi Gevinson is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

GIRLS WHO GET IT-OPRAH WINFREY

2011-02-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

Let’s be honest: You can’t really talk about Girls Who Get It without mentioning Oprah. If there’s one person who epitomizes the theme, it’s the poor country girl turned television tycoon turned most powerful woman in the world.

Born into poverty in rural Mississippi to a teenage mother, Oprah was not off to an easy start. Raped and impregnated as a child, followed by the loss of her baby, Oprah overcame the mountain of obstacles in front of her and took hold of what she called her second chance.

Dedicated to her studies, Oprah later became an Honours student and secured a full scholarship to Tennessee State University. This Communication major put her degree to good use, eventually becoming a household name and media mogul.

An enormous public influence, Oprah has fast-tracked the careers of countless authors by giving their novels her Book Club stamp of approval. The co-author of five books herself, Oprah also publishes two magazines and appears on XM Radio to host a talk show on her own channel, Oprah Radio. An expert in building her personal brand, she continued the expansion of her empire with the launch of the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) earlier this year. It’s her honesty, however, that keeps us coming back, as she candidly reveals pieces of herself while encouraging us to do the same.

Oprah also earned herself an Academy Award nomination in 1985 for her supporting actress role in The Color Purple. Twenty years later, she revisited the story and became the producer for the movie’s musical version on Broadway. Worth over $2 billion, the only Black female billionaire in history, Oprah is involved in countless philanthropic endeavours, including the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls, where she routinely gives back to communities worldwide. Never married, Oprah maintains a steady relationship with longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham.

Because it’s practically impossible to cover her robust life in one blog post, check out Time Magazine’s “Top 10 Oprah Moments”. From her recent endorsement of President Barack Obama’s 2007 campaign to the unforgettable “You get a car!” episode of her show, I’m sure you’ll enjoy looking back on her history.

A natural leader who turned her life around and made a career out of inspiring others,

Oprah Winfrey is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George

Follow: @ILikeDags

CHANGING OUR PATTERNS

2011-02-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

"If you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always gotten."

-Tony Robbins

This is the year we get serious about our lives. This is the year where the excuses stop paving our path to disappointment. This is the year action and intention fuel our progress. You might have resisted this process for 20, 30 or even 40 years, and all the more reason get on it. On the other side of resistance is reward so if you are dreading the dirty work of facing your own life, imagine the impact of the finished product if you start today.

Think of where you could be by summer!

We have to take inventory of our negative patterns and that includes a long look at this "hamster wheel-o-sabotage" we continually hop on. Be brutally honest and be as objective as possible.

(If it gives you any comfort, I'm doing this too.)

If you were a friend of yours, what advice would you give to you?
Listen to the advice you give others - do you practice what you preach?
What do you need to get serious about? Where do you start?
What/who is blocking you from your goals?
Is your life lived for yourself or others? What do you do for yourself?
What do you get out of not pursuing your dreams?

If you don't know, didn't try to answer or couldn't answer - quit screwing around. Dig deeper. Its YOUR life.

If you did answer everything, pat yourself on the back for being honest with yourself and examine those answers to determine what can be improved.

That last question in a toughie. I'm learning that we don't shift our patterns because we ultimately gain something by staying "stuck" primarily, pleasure or pain.

"If I stay stuck, I won't have to risk failing." (pleasure).

"If I stay stuck, then people will continue to help me feel better." (pleasure)

"I stay stuck because my family is stuck and I don't want to leave them." (pain)

Any of this sound familiar?

Fear is the bad guy here. As a visual person (with an active imagination) it has helped me to put a face on that fear. Consider it another 'alter ego' a la "Sasha Fierce/Beyonce". Give fear a name and listen to her when she starts nattering on and on. Always remember that voice is not YOU, its FEAR. Her outfits change from rationalization (as to why its o.k to take no action), to procrastination (why your goals are not important right now) to laziness, distraction, doubt and a closet full of horrendous outfits.

Again, fear is not real. She is simply a louder then the voices who say, "nice work", "you got this", and "go for it". Once we step back and see our patterns, we can formulate a 'counter attack'. Take a moment to confront fear for what she is and get those 'good voices' hyped up. "I know what you're up to fear. I'm not falling for that again.'

check the patterns. take a brief life inventory. give fear a face, remember its not real.

Will this be hard, will this take practice, will this be worth it? Y-E-S.

"Don't wait. The time will never be 'just right'."

INSPIRATION FOR SUCCESS

2011-02-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

Some of you are being hit by the seventy-eleventh blizzard this winter.

Others have talked themselves right out of resolutions made just a few weeks ago.

As we creep into the first quarter of 2011, I encourage you, I DARE you to stay inspired and continue to push forward, even during the dark days of winter. It's the opportune time to dig deep and do the hard work thats needed to enjoy the warm days of summer. Plan out the next six months, get clear and get working on it.

WHEN you make it thorough this winter on top of your game, the remaining months will be a piece of cake. Unless we have a scorcher this summer... : )

Here is a poem to remind you that while challenges may be unpredictable, winning is always a choice.

If you think you are beaten, you are,

If you think you dare not, you don't.

If you like to win, but you think you can't,

It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost.

For out of the world we find,

Success begins with a fellow's will---

It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you're outclassed, you are.

You've got to think high to rise.

You've got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go

To the stronger or faster man

But soon or late the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can.

FIND A PLACE OF PEACE

2011-01-31T14:37:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in Toronto, lived a girl and five female roommates. And their friends. And their boyfriends, man-friends, weed dealers, baby-sitters...

For an apartment that was always busy with people, it was the loneliest time of my life. I was depressed while living here, and after counseling and support, I began to pull myself out. When going home to a toxic environment plays into your anxiety, its crucial to have a place of peace.

A spot in the sun. A view that expands your perspective. A park, the roof of a building, a quiet street in a wealthy neighborhood, find a place where you can be still and silent. A few minutes are enough.

Personally, my peace place acted as an oasis and an opportunity to get out of my own head. When I was there I was just there. Not worrying or wondering. Fully present. Those few moments I gave myself began a wave of mindfulness and soon the way I viewed my life changed. It was moment to moment rather then remembering when or looking ahead.

The depression is a decade behind me now and I still make a point of finding a peace place whenever I move to a new area. A canyon behind my house with vista's of the ocean works quite nicely. Find a beautiful place where you live and go there. A lot.

"All we have right now, is right now."

- Juliana Wells

Morning walks give me time to re-group, check in or, on the really tough days, check out.

Questions for you:

What makes you feel connected to where you live?
When you encounter stress, where do you envision yourself being?
How about when you are lonely?

DON'T FORGET YOUR SISTERS (short story)

2011-01-30T21:13:00.000-08:00

Last night, my friend, a sister of twenty-four years passed along this lovely note. Great advice for those going through life's changes. Remember your "sisters".

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.    

'Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women...your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.' 

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' 

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life.    

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out!

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family all bless our life!  The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.

Time passes. Life happens.

Distance separates. Children grow up.

Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. 

Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break.  

Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. 

Parents die. 

but...

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

Speaking Services

2011-01-28T09:23:00.001-08:00

"I needed to hear that today." "I never thought of it like that before." "Thank YOU!"

These are common audience reactions to hearing the Nova's message of Loving Yourself More.

Thousands of readers have embraced butilovememore.com. Naturally, the show would go on the road. For public appearances, Nova expands the conversation started on her website by discussing:

The meaning of But I Love Me More
Acceptance, Accountability and Action
Understanding the Difference Between Temporary & Absolute Happiness
How to Change Your Environment by Changing Your Mind.

Women aged 25-45 are a key demographic, however, teenagers and young men with no one to confide in, trust Nova's encouragement and support her appearances. Over and above an active website, Nova continues to engage and uplift audiences through speaking engagements, customized workshops, panel appearances and talk radio interviews.

For booking information, contact: butilovememore@gmail.com

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Testimonials

Nova Browning Rutherford's ability to be welcoming, open, receptive and engaging enables her to rapidly get through many of the walls young women naturally put up and makes her perfect for this line of work. Her workshop at The Remix Project, helped us as staff recognize the need for a consistent and ongoing space that allows young women to share their stories and supports them through their journeys collectively. Her workshop touched on topics that often times rarely get voice and therefore provided a very important and critical space for these young women to identify their own issues and grow through them.

Thank you again!

- Amanda Parris : Managing Director - The Remix Project

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"Mentoring Nova for the past year has been exhilarating for me because the experience of helping someone so passionate about mentoring the youth exudes not only in our personal meetings but also in real life. As someone who has devoted my life to mentoring the youth, I find Nova to be exceptional in living a life that is a true EXAMPLE for the youth to follow. I've learned as much from her as she from me her during this our mentoring process and I don't at all see her as my protegee; she was a STAR when I met her!"

-Dawn "The Self-Esteem Queen" Johnson

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"Nova B. Rutherford is showing women what it really means to love yourself completely and how to do it. She is realistic in her approach of showing us how to cut through the BS to get what we need most and that is to Love Ourselves More. Listening to her speak is not only empowering, encouraging, and inspiring, but also educational as she weaves real life stories and lessons in to give actual ideals of what we go through that we may not speak on as women. I encourage anyone who has not heard her speak, been to her website, etc, to DO IT NOW. Life changing... Nova's energy and vibe is so amazing, positive, and optimistic.

I am so thankful that our paths have crossed. With her help, I am learning to love myself more...now you do the same!"

-Kisha Mays

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Celebrity Photos

Nova & "Sex & The City" star, Kristin Davis

Nova & Laila Ali

(read Nova's interview with Laila here)

Nova & Nicole Ari Parker

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Radio Interviews

January 13, 2011 with The Minster of Motivation

Listen to internet radio with MinisterofMotivation on Blog Talk Radio

January 9, 2011 with the

One Mic Stand Show

(on the air at minute 32:00)

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July 7th, 2010 with Kisha Mays

(on the air at minute 6:00)

June 18, 2010 with The Minster of Motivation

Listen HERE

ONLINE TESTIMONIALS

Social mediums like Twitter, Facebook, GMail, UStream, LinkedIn along with speaking events allow me to touch the lives of THOUSANDS of people! Every time someone takes the time to write me a note of appreciation for the words I have said or written, it is an affirmation that I'm on the right path.

Follow me on Twitter @butilovememore

Facebook, YouTube, UStream search: But I Love Me More

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i just wanted to formally say hello. i have been reading your blog for a while and just started following you on twitter. i should've done that a while ago! : )

i love the concept of what you are doing! i wish you were around when i assisted with the rites of passage program years ago at church. this would have been befitting. i believe in letting people know when they have shared some light! i look forward to dialogue and exchange of energy.

Tanika Credle Yancy

My name is Sunday Omony. I was directed to your blog by one of my fans on Facebook. I enjoy reading your blog. You're a very positive and empowering person. Keep up the great work!

I appreciate the encouraging and positive messages that you provide for your readers. As an individual that has overcome adversity in the past I've chosen to share my vision, determination and courage to inspire others. I believe that self-acceptance, perseverance and positive thinking have all shaped the women that I've become today. I love seeing inspiring blogs like But I Love Me More. You're a very talented writer and I support you all the way.

Thank you,

Sunday Omony

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I just wanted to say thank you for coming by Remix and doing your workshop.
It was a great workshop and I think the ladies of Remix need more like this! I love your site and look forward to upcoming projects of yours.

Chantle Beeso

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Hey Nova,

I went to your workshop at The Remix Project, which I totally loved by the way. I just wanted to drop you a line to say your workshop still inspires me from the summer time.

Thanks again.

Diana Orbegozo

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Nova,

I wanted to let you know, last night I was feeling really down and crazy for some reason. I was lying in bed and literally went to butilovememore.com. My spirits were lifted almost automatically. I just wanted you to know that just going to the site changed my mood, my thoughts, and my heart, in a matter of minutes.

I'm so thankful to know you, and I'm so happy you're here. You're saving lives all over...without a shadow of a doubt.

So much love heading your way,

Jessica Rose Sturrup

GIRLS WHO GET IT- ALEXANDRA NECHITA

2011-01-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

What were you doing at age two? My guess is probably nothing of note. While the rest of us were crawling around and eating soft foods, Alexandra Nechita was drawing up a storm and launching her career as a world-renowned cubist painter.

Born in communist Romania, Alexandra, whose parents fled to the United States three months before she was born, is now one of the most famous contemporary artists worldwide. Often compared to Picasso and Matisse, this young prodigy had her first art exhibit at a Los Angeles public library at the tender age of eight. Trading Barbies for brushes, Alexandra’s family knew she was born with a gift and encouraged her hone her skills to develop her natural talent.

Once Alexandra landed on the art world’s radar, the accolades she received were fast and furious. Considered “one of the great ones”, she was invited to Paris to work at the Mourlot Press at age 10, an opportunity that is only reserved for a select few. She has since created themed logos for events such as the 1997 Grammy Awards, Polaroid’s 50th anniversary and made a series of paintings entitled “Winning Together” for the Special Olympics.

Today, Alexandra has paintings displayed in the UK, France, Switzerland, Japan, the Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand and Australia, and she was chosen by the World Federation of the United Nations to lead a Global Arts Initiative involving more than one hundred nations worldwide. Recently, the year 2001 brought Alexandra the incredible honour of being named an Ambassador of Peace by the United Nations.

A powerful talent who is using art to change the world, Alexandra Nechita is a Girl Who Gets It.

Profile by: Daina Astwood-George @ILikeDags