MAN OR THE MONEY?
i relocated from vancouver to chicago 18 months ago to live with my boyfriend after two years in a long distance relationship. he is the only person i know here and i'm having a hell of a hard time adjusting. work or lack of it has been the hardest thing. i'm home alone all day, can't meet people and depend on my man for money constantly.
last week a friend gave me the heads up on a job in my hometown, i applied and they want to interview me! the pay would be almost six figures and i could start right away. when i told my man, he shrugged off the opportunity and said 'do what you want.'
do i stay in chicago and try to make it work with my man?
or follow up on what could be an awesome opportunity?
Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!
10:55 PM |
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WILL I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY?
since then, i've been in a state of grief - about her, the unborn child and my assholeish behavior. i have no idea how to deal. i'm only writing you because i can't talk to my boys about this and i honestly think i'm starting to develop a drinking problem (four times a week i get pissy drunk). therapy isn't my thing, but i need to do something.
will i always feel guilty? do i try to get her back?
Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!
10:51 PM |
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PLAYER FOR LIFE?
i dumped my ex and now i feel she might be the one. she had goals, drive and a stable career while i'm still in 'mister cool guy' mode. it was a control issue (on my part) and i just couldn't make her what i wanted to be. now i feel that if i settled down and 'got it together' then she would come back. friends say i'll resent her and to keep my playboy lifestyle alive.
i miss her, but is that enough reason to settle down? how long can i keep up this player attitude for?
Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below. Darling Nicky will give you the straight talk!
10:46 PM |
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MATERIAL DETOX
Spring has sprung and that means, you got it, spring cleaning. pack rats, clutter bugs and borderline hoarders, take note. Ever heard the saying 'messy house, messy mind?' No judgement, but it's true as your environment is a reflection OF you. Your home is where you day starts and begins, where you set off into the world and where you retire. Two important reasons to keep it together. When the closet looks like a closet (versus a used clothing bin) you save time in the morning, dress confidently and the day starts off right. When the house looks people friendly, you're inclined to entertain, creating deeper relationships. The home can truly be a sanctuary, your little piece of heaven, should you do the work a few times a year to de-clutter. Get started!
- splurge on an organizer to help you. consultations are normally free, $50/hour on average.
- head to Ikea or The Organizer Store to get inspired.
- refurbish shoddy furniture or frames - paint, new hardware, upholstery; they go a long way!
- never used items? post it on craigslist and make some cash (for that organizer!)
- find your never worn or gently used clothes and hold a clothing swap
- donate your old prom or grad dress, even old work clothes to a woman's shelter
- group your collections together - books, candles, trinkets, display your precious things
Don't you feel better already? Wrangle a few friends (who are good at this sort of thing) and set aside a weekend to get started. This is more then just having a clean home you can be proud of, it's about appreciating that you have one (let me remind you about our friends in Japan.). Its YOUR floor to clean, its YOUR bed to make. A billion people on our planet would just looove the idea of having a hot shower every morning. It's about staying present. Not hanging on to the dress you'll wear 'one day' or the sofa that reminds you of an old love. All we have right now, is RIGHT NOW. So lets do our little bitty part to make it enjoyable.
9:28 AM |
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FOOD DETOX
Can you hear that? Its the internal screams of women who see signs of spring and know that bathing suit season is upon us. Reader, I will never tell you do go on a diet, but I will encourage you to detox and flush out the useless traces of egg nog, Valentines chocolate and St. Patty's brew thats added a little stuffin' to your muffin. Bye bye bloat, retained water, and (if you double up with moderate exercise) a couple pounds. A detox is about feeling better, and taking control of what you take IN to your body. As we shift seasons and get inspired by the blooming colors of nature and new wardrobes, I'll share my tips for a food detox.
The toughest part is flushing out "yummy foods" and all the junk that comes with it. Be it a lifestyle change, or a deep cleanse one week a month, I promise you will notice a difference after a few of these changes. I'm not going to get into 'stool' details (leave it to Dr. Oz for that) but you will see a difference in the ol' porcelain throne as well.
warning: when i first started to cleanse, i would have little breakouts - a sign that the toxins are releasing, so detoxing the week before a big event. not a good idea.
- limit your caffeine/stimulant intake (ween yourself off slowly. otherwise you could be a hazard to society)
- nix processed foods (if the first three ingredients are words you can't pronounce, dont ingest!)
- nix processed sugars (all of the glucose, fructose, detxtrose - it means sugar. so does corn syrup)
- bye-bye fast food (a meal of true quality costs more then $2.)
- limit salt (especially around your monthly. though you might crave it *raises hands* you'll retain water.)
- cut out red meat (all meat is best, otherwise eat lean chicken, turkey and fish. one meatless day a week)
- see-ya fried foods
- curb the late night eating (a.k.a breakfast after the club. you're dehydrated. try tea, fresh juice or soup)
- soda/sugary juices/creamy drinks (youre drinking your calories! might as well have a cheeseburger.)
- stop skipping meals (starving bodies store everything as fat. stash fruit in your purse, granola bars in the car)
Its all common sense right? And don't piss and moan to me young ones about cutting out KFC. You either want to feel better, or you don't. It's your body. But before you mow down on that drumstick, think 'is this what i want to be doing?". If not, keep reading. That was a long list of DON'Ts, now here are the DO's.
- drink waterwaterwater (get a cute aluminum bottle and keep fillin' er up!)
- look at the colors on your plate (the brighter the color, the more vitamins and antioxidants!)
- shop the perimeter of the grocery store (seafood, deli, bakery, produce, dairy)
- explore the farmer markets (get to know the people who grow your food and try new ones!)
- take your vitamins (i take a multi, B12, fish oil, and folic acid - important if you want to have kids.)
- steam, sauna, soak (condition your hair and sit in the steam room, loosen those tight muscles in the sauna)
Loving yourself is about taking CARE of yourself. A detox requires some discipline but the biggest factor is a feeling of deserving. You my dear deserve to feel your best. Don't you dare feel guilty about making time to relax, not after the hard work you put into looking after others. No one is going to check if you're taking your vitamins or say, "hey, you look beat. time to go to the spa." Its up to you to be in tune with your physical, emotional and mental health and well being.
The patient should be made to understand that he or she must take charge of his own life.
Don't take your body to the doctor as if he were a repair shop.
~Quentin Regestein
4:46 PM |
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'EMOTIONAL DETOX'
"letting go of what is dead lets me step into what is more alive."
an external makeover feels great. an internal cleanse, refreshing. what about an emotional detox?
i recently wrote about our gifts liying next to our wounds and the process of facing those wounds in order to access our gifts. i'm talkin' about pushing through the heavy stuff - the heartbreak, dissapointment, shame and grief that you share with 6.5 billion people. there may have been times where these feelings were so palpable you wanted to die, or tried to. but you are still here. a PART of you needed to die, that painful part that was eveloping your life. i want to show you how to move it out of the way so the rest of you can live.
this is a symbolic excersise to 'end' a painful chapter in your life. a funeral or an 'emotional detox'.
· select a site. (away from your home, a quiet place of reflection)
· set aside 'grave' markers. (stones or flowers work well)
· choose a symbol to bury. (a piece of clothing, photograph, letter, or trinket that represents your painful chapter. ie: miscariage/abortion = childs toy or shoes)
· write. (a song, poem or letter to be shared. a letter to your 'wounded self' from a 'healed self' is powerful)
· form your procession. (gather a close group of people who have and will support you)
· commence with the funeral. (procession to the site, bury symbol, share words. take your time)
· celebrate. (have a party, share a meal, embrace the love and support and savor a new beginning)
each one us carries weight from the past, some more then others. you dont need to have a funeral for just one thing, and if there are a few people who have shared a similar loss, and you feel comfortable sharing, help their healing and invite them. signifying the challenges we've faced in life acts as a poiniant reminder that we survived. life will keep putting weight on your shoulders, but i do hope this excersise has given you a tool for lightening the load.
10:49 AM |
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OUR GIFTS LIE NEXT TO OUR WOUNDS
butilovememore.com contains motivational non-fiction pieces, meaning, 'the stuff you can't make up" and "celebrating the courage it takes to talk it." with that said, can we get really REAL for a minute? ladies this is for you. i need to talk to you about the secrets that get pushed to the back of the sock drawer. the abuse and misuse of our sex, body and gifts. the manipulation of our kindness and loyalty. the perversion of our unwavering, unshakable love. sound familiar? you are not alone. however, i'm not sure if that makes your feel comfortable or disturbed or both.
as a mentor i have been taught that "our gifts lie next to our wounds". here is the tradeoff. to access the talents and purpose that only we can exude, we have to get honest and clear about what our wounds are. to take an internal inventory is the hardest thing in the world, and thats why so many folks don't do it. where we find resistance, we find reward. the things you have a strong aversion to, a 'hell no, i'm not doing that/saying that/sharing that', are the same things, once handled and conquered (via fear or necessity) provide the greatest sense of satisfaction.
what are your wounds?
have you come to terms with your molestation? miscarriage, neglect, abandonment, abortion? rape, abuse, eating disorder, cutting, drug use, disease, shame, addiction? is it still taking up space in a corner of your mind, or it blocking the entrance to your heart? the day you can say THIS HAPPENED TO ME is the day you begin the long process of pushing through to get to the good stuff.
the best way to describe it is like having that hollow, nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach and knowing to feel better you need to get it out, as messy and uncomfortable as it will be. i realize its scary to say you were a victim, or re-live a trauma you worked so hard to forget. i'm not suggesting you go on Twitter and tell all your biz, but if telling a therapist, your sister, best friend, husband or diary will help you to cope, then yes yes HELL yes, tell it all. its your story woman. the ugly and unthinkable have made you beautiful. you can't re-write the past, but you can write a new ending.
so start to write. putting your past on paper does help. create 'a shit list', the who's and whats of your hurt. how old were you, who was he, what happened. its difficult to write it down and more so to read it but i'm telling you, there is some relief that comes when you reach the bottom of that page and realize that you're still standing. your head hasn't exploded and after all of that, remnants of love remain in your heart. this list helps because when we look at what's negative in our lives, the positive becomes THAT much clearer. is this making sense? something that has so much negative power will have, on the flip side, that same amount of power for good. follow me?
you've heard me say, when you don't know what you DO want know what you DONT want. and part of knowing what that DONT want is, is looking what lies behind you on this road. look back to see how far you've come, what you have survived, what you endured. look ahead knowing you have a clean slate, starting at this very moment.
a courageous friend and talented artist released this powerful track on this very subject.
i've played it about 7 times and i'm more and more encouraged by her vulnerability.
3:05 PM |
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