LIVE TO TELL-HEALING THE HURT
11:42 AM Posted by MS.NOVA
The first anniversary of the 'worst day ever' I took myself out for dinner. You might say that's an odd reaction, but I honestly felt I suffered in a world of pain long enough. All my energy that year was focused on surviving another day and healing this gaping wound in my spirit. Enough. The first year was thankfully behind me and I was doing the work to get better. Cheers!
It was time to celebrate that achievement and take this day back for ME! That 'worst day ever' was the birth of a stronger woman and I was going to celebrate her, welcome and embrace her into my life. I chose to live in spite of the drama and trauma and dammit I intended to do just that! It was MY day now, my re-birthday. No longer would I dread the final week of summer thinking 'it's coming. that day is coming'. I made a choice to keep my power right where it belonged. With me.
The second, third and fourth anniversary, I enjoyed dinner with the friends who supported me through that dark time to show my thanks. They brought flowers and told me they admired my courage and my decision to take the day back, shifted their perspective about their own 'worst day'. I never realized my choices effected those close to me. I now know that they do.
By the fifth anniversary, I was in a healthy relationship and my partner truly respected my wishes to "celebrate". I went on a long bike ride alone, cried a little, wrote that 22 year old Nova a letter and expressed my gratitude to the universe for the woman I'd grown into. Fully healed? No, but I was still doing the work. Anniversary six and seven, I was consumed with a hectic, happy life - married and living in a new city. I made time to write myself another letter of appreciation, give thanks and then carried on.
Eight years later, September 1, 2010, I completely forgot about it. 2920 days needed to pass before THAT day escaped me. My calendar read September 6th yesterday and my internal voice had a conversation like this. " the 6th? Jeez, I can't believe we are in September already, what a busy month, soon I'll be seeing Christmas gear and we're moving and the book will be done...The 1st. September 1st. It passed already and you didn't do anything! You didn't even notice!" The next sound I heard were party horns, I kid you not!
"I forgot my anniversary!" I texted my best friend! "I forgot the worst day ever!" I said jumping on my husband. How I reacted to a terrible situation ultimately changed it. What a lesson. That gaping wound is a scar now - a permanent scar that no longer paralyzes me from living.
I healed.
ok. i just burst into tears typing those two words. "i healed."
because there was a time where i literally thought i would die from that pain. and shame. but i didn't. and on the other-side of that horror, was a life, a life that a 22 year old Nova, pinned down in a cement bed of depression could never have imagined. and here i am eight years later, telling you that i made it out. and i hope, with my whole heart, i hope it helps you.
you can do this. make the choice. keep going. keep growing. take back the day. the worst day ever can be YOUR re-birthday, of a stronger, wiser, resilient woman who knows how to turn her past poison into medicine.
September 7, 2010 at 2:11 PM
What a wonderful way to heal. I also have a "worst" day that took me some time to overcome and now I can't even remember the date of the "worst" because my future is so bright it's all I can focus on.
September 7, 2010 at 11:15 PM
@The Self Esteem Queen
time heals all. congrats on move past it and we can agree that when you've been to the bottom, the only way is UP! lets DO this!!
nova
September 8, 2010 at 4:04 PM
Your "HEALED" the best sentence I have read in a long time...I have always felt guilt within me for leaving you that fateful time...but today I feel happiness. I just want to say it's with extreme joy that I read the words "healed". Gonna wipe my tears of the keyboard now! I LOVE you and I'm PROUD of you.