CONFRONTING A CUTTER
4:43 PM Posted by MS.NOVA
*via email*my 24 year old, bright, beautiful cousin is in a really dark place. our moms are sisters and i know she grew up with a tough family life, for awhile, we lost contact with her. she is four years older then me but we recently started to hang out again and i noticed she's been cutting herself. she covers it with makeup or wears long sleeves. her arms are mashed up with old scars and new scabs. its so scary! is she trying to die? is this a suicide attempt?
i tried googling some info about it, and it said sexual abuse is a common trigger and i do think her stepdad might have her hurt when she was little and living away from the family, he is a total creep. she is a sweet girl, but depressed, lazy and she doesn't know how much potential she has. i want to respect her privacy, especially since i just came back to her life. i care about her and i'd feel terrible if i waited to say something and it was too late.
how do i talk to her about her cutting and encourage her to get therapy?
Have a similar situation? Comments? Let us know below and Darling Nicky will give it to you straight.
February 8, 2011 at 6:36 AM
First of all, congratulations on reconnecting with your cousin. Family is very important, and clearly your reconnection couldn't have come at a more poignant time.
Cutting (from what I understand and I am NOT a psychologist or expert on the subject) has something to do with the transfer of emotional pain into physical pain. It is also linked to guilt and self-loathing. And like addictions and dependencies, it is a real problem that needs professional help.
In addition to the physical scars she is leaving on her body, the cutting will invite judgment from people who see the scars which will in turn add another dimension of emotional burden that will probably make her cut some more. I know a few people who used to do this, and it is a challenging problem to address.
Perhaps that you are newly reunited with your cousin could work to your advantage in addressing the issue. Maybe other family members have been afraid to broach the subject, or have tried and failed. There are a number of HELP lines across the country that you can call to get advice from a professional on how you can go about opening the discussion with her. If you are armed with the right tools, then you may be successful in getting her the help she needs.
In the meantime, I would suggest inviting her to go to the gym with you. Sometimes, people just need a physical way of releasing their anxieties, and some good thrusts into a punching bag might be a more constructive way to transfer that pent up negative energy.
I really wish you and your cousin the best.
February 27, 2011 at 8:40 AM
I am not an expert or psychologist by any means, but I do have a personal understanding to some degree. Sometimes causing yourself physical pain (like cutting), mutes the emotional pain, the dark, unpleasant feeling that lurks below. The one responsible for people withrawing or turning to substance abuse. Why do they not move on? Why can they not just change their mind? Well perhaps it's because from a very young age, there has been an imprint in their mind that tells them, " you just need to survive". The feeling of not being safe in your own home, or anywhere for that matter, seems to put people in a perpetual state of "survival". Constantly just trying to keep the pain at bay intead of confronting it.
For these people, speaking to professionals (psychologists) can be very challenging. There is lack of trust, as well as no "safety".
I think you are at an advantage being her cousin, she already know's you. Through re-connecting and establishing a relationship with her, you are already helping. Love her, and let her know as often as you can that she is loved unconditionally. Saying it is important, it will make it more real for her, safer if you will. Just knowing that there is one person, who will love her no matter what, is sometimes what can enable someone to have the courage to face pain. Don't be afaid to say to much, often we don't say enough for fear of their reaction. Their actions are their own, but the perspective by which they act upon, CAN be influenced by you.
I share this with you because I used to be in your cousin's position long ago. What saved my life was that one person...my Aunt. So whether it's a cousin, an Aunt or a friend, just knowing there's someone that truly loves you...makes you want to stay alive!
I wish you and your cousin love, courage and strength.