BABY DADDY REHAB
5:23 PM Posted by MS.NOVA
First feature: Baby Daddy Rehab
In spite of the knee deep drama these women found themselves in (eg: he’s married & you’re pregnant) these are flowers that bloomed in the deepest swamp. Raised by a single mommy and friends of many, I wanted to highlight the unreal strength, determination and sacrifice it takes to do the hardest job in the world.
Please share your comments and experiences!
How did you initially react to your pregnancy?
Melody: Utter shock. Elated because always wanted to be a mother, worried that I was having a child with the wrong person, and did I say shocked?
Nickesha: I was in love, happy with my relationship and I thought everything was OK I wanted a baby, but I was scared and overwhelmed because it was unexpected.
Andrea: I was happy, nervous, filled with adrenaline...I felt like my insides were shaking.
His reaction?
Melody: I always wanted the father of my child to burst with happiness, pick me up & spin me around and share the same excitement as me. He was subdued. Like "Really? Holy Shit" and silent while he stared at the TV. (I see more of a reaction from him when he watches ball and someone throws down a 3 from half court...lame.)
His reaction?
Melody: I always wanted the father of my child to burst with happiness, pick me up & spin me around and share the same excitement as me. He was subdued. Like "Really? Holy Shit" and silent while he stared at the TV. (I see more of a reaction from him when he watches ball and someone throws down a 3 from half court...lame.)
Nickesha: He was just shocked as I was. Quiet. Scared. He said everything would be OK and I trusted him. I never had a reason not too. Little did I know…
Andrea: He actually reacted better than i expected, he seemed a lil aprehensive but over-all pretty calm and very loving. We then decided to tell his mother and the first thing out of her mouth (I'll never forget this, ever), "it better not be no more babies…"
How old were you/him?
Melody: I was 29.
How old were you/him?
Melody: I was 29.
Nickesha: I was 21. He was 27 years.
Andrea: We were both 18
Were you sure the man you were steady with was the father?
Melody: I was absolutely sure.
Were you sure the man you were steady with was the father?
Melody: I was absolutely sure.
Nickesha: I was 100%.
Andrea: Funny u should ask...lol. I went to the doctor’s office to confirm the pregnancy and based on my due date *William could not have been the father. I was in shock and cried, cried, cried in the Dr.'s office. I left in a state of complete shock and despair...dead girl walking...but I immediately knew who the father was...a man “ T” I had been having an affair with, and actually loved to death, he just never took me or our "relationship" seriously.
Did he deny being the father?
Melody: No.
Did he deny being the father?
Melody: No.
Nickesha: He never denied our baby.
Andrea: Though I knew the truth, I foolishly decided to keep it to myself. I mean, I had already told him, his fam, my fam, my friends, everybodyyy that we were having a baby. I kept my mouth shut. That was really hard. But *William never denied being the father.
When did the relationship end/turn for the worse?
Melody: It went way down south during my first pregnancy. Verbal and physical abuse. It killed the dreams of how the experience should have been for me. I was alienated by people who were my 'best friends'
When did the relationship end/turn for the worse?
Melody: It went way down south during my first pregnancy. Verbal and physical abuse. It killed the dreams of how the experience should have been for me. I was alienated by people who were my 'best friends'
Nickesha: 4 months into my pregnancy, I found out he was married with 3 other children. What I thought I had was all a lie. I blamed myself, him, so emotional, so frustrated, I was distraught and I honestly felt like swallowing a bullet. I wanted to hate him but I was too deep in, plus I was carrying our child.
Andrea: During my pregnancy, things fell apart and I learned *William had another woman pregnant at the same time. I got her number from his BFF, we talked and I even went to visit her. Needless to say, he was livid. We didn’t speak until his mother forced him to come to the hospital for our daughter’s birth. He walked in the delivery room and asked me if I felt like joining him outside to smoke a joint! Obviously I said no, and he walked out. I didn’t see him again until the baby was delivered.
How did you deal with those circumstances?
Melody: I cried almost everyday of my pregnancy. I was truly depressed for the first time in my life and being pregnant didn't help.
Nickesha: It was hard, but I took everyday as it came. Naturally, I felt betrayed, abandoned, and incompetent. At the same time a part of me wanted run back to him because I didn’t know my self-worth. The pain was so deep, I just did my best to block it out and keep going. All I had was me.
Andrea: After the birth of my daughter I became seriously depressed. William wasn’t speaking to me and with 2 newborns at 18, he was trying to deny my child. I knew if it came down to a paternity test I would lose big time so I had to leave him and his family (who I was close to) alone. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
Did you have post-partum depression? If so, how did you deal?
Melody: Absolute post-partum. I stayed indoors all the time. I never accepted anyone’s invitation to go out because I was so disgusted with how 'fat' I got. I just felt like the old me died and I didn't know who I was anymore. Sometimes I’d let my son cry and cry and cry, while I lied in bed with a pillow over my head crying just as hard.
Did you have post-partum depression? If so, how did you deal?
Melody: Absolute post-partum. I stayed indoors all the time. I never accepted anyone’s invitation to go out because I was so disgusted with how 'fat' I got. I just felt like the old me died and I didn't know who I was anymore. Sometimes I’d let my son cry and cry and cry, while I lied in bed with a pillow over my head crying just as hard.
Nickesha: I was diagnosed with post partum depression four months after the baby was born. On top of all this drama, I knew I couldn’t cry anymore. Idle time is the devils time. No more playing the victim, I was going claim my victory. So, I went back to school and got my high school diploma and then went on to college. I built a good network of people who wanted the best for me- a mentor, good friends and family. Out with the bar sluts and drama. For good!
Andrea: I did, badly. I sat in my house and cried for about 6 months. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant but that didn’t help and made me gain weight. That made me even more depressed. I hated my body, I felt guilty for lying to my family, friends, and my innocent little baby...I even considered suicide.
Melody: We fought A LOT and a very violent side of me came out. I had this thing for throwing shit around and breaking anything of value (both monetary & sentimental). It was ugly. I've patched holes in walls, cleaned up broken glass, threw out torn clothes, screamed until I lost my voice. There was a part of me screaming inside to escape this nightmare of a life I let myself fall into.
What was the lowest point in all of this for you?
Melody: I was 8 months pregnant. Constantly exhausted. He came home bitching about how I could have vacuumed and done laundry instead of sleeping. My blood was boiling. We fought. He said he couldn't stand to look at me. While I was lying down he grabbed me by the front of my shirt, lifted me up saying something demeaning, threw me on the couch and spit on my face. I was officially the world's biggest doormat.
What was the lowest point in all of this for you?
Melody: I was 8 months pregnant. Constantly exhausted. He came home bitching about how I could have vacuumed and done laundry instead of sleeping. My blood was boiling. We fought. He said he couldn't stand to look at me. While I was lying down he grabbed me by the front of my shirt, lifted me up saying something demeaning, threw me on the couch and spit on my face. I was officially the world's biggest doormat.
Andrea: Believe it or not, wanting to take my own life still wasn’t the lowest point. I receive an urgent call from Williams mother informing me that he is on the run for murder -yes, murder. I was shocked, I felt sick and I started to wonder what the hell I had done to my child’s future by lying to her and everybody else about who her father was. Was I going to let my child grow-up with a “father” in prison for murder, to save face?? I decided i would get in contact with "T" (the "older man") and tell him the truth.
Who was there for you consistently throughout this process?
Melody: A few genuine sisters/girlfriends. My dad. We lived at my parents through this whole process. He had no respect for them or their home, but dad always told me no matter what he will take care of me and my baby and we will never be alone. That’s what a real father does.
Nickesha: I’m sure it was hard for them, but they never put the father of my child down, and to look at our baby as blessing. The help I by not putting the light on the person who hurtled me but to put the light on making me better.
Andrea: My parents, my mom especially were consistent with their support, even when the situation changed. A couple of my good girlfriends really saved my life with out even knowing it, listening when I needed it, getting me out the house. Williams mother was another rock in my life, I felt like the worst person in the world for lying to her. And even after I told her the truth she still called and said she would always love us and be there.
What is your status with your child's father now?
Melody: Separated for over a year. I have full custody of my kids and he skips out on his time with them a lot. He and I only speak about the kids, or him owing me money (which he always does, but anyways...)
Andrea: "T" and I broke up when our daughter was 5 yrs old. We are now co-parenting. We can both count on him to come through for anything. I respect & appreciate him and our child sees that. He and I are like oil and water, we cannot get along for too long, so we stay at a safe distance from each other and we're cool.
Looking back, what would you have done differently and how has this experience made you a better woman/mother.
Melody: I would have followed my instincts. I would marry someone I could trust. I would PLAN for a family, not roll with the punches from an accidental pregnancy. I would prepare financially. I would make sure I was stronger - mentally & physically. Pretty much, I would have done everything differently.
Who was there for you consistently throughout this process?
Melody: A few genuine sisters/girlfriends. My dad. We lived at my parents through this whole process. He had no respect for them or their home, but dad always told me no matter what he will take care of me and my baby and we will never be alone. That’s what a real father does.
Nickesha: The people who gave the most love listened instead of trying to make choices for me.
Andrea: When I told "T", I was expecting the WORST and he was shocked but not rude or ignorant about it. We took a DNA test and when he got the results, he welcomed his baby with open arms. Eventually he and i developed a relationship and moved in together.
What did they do to help?
Melody: they always answered my calls to listen while I expressed my pain. They came to visit me & brought movies, chocolate, home cooked meals, baby stuff – things to cheer me up. They really supported me, and I couldn't have made it through without them.
What did they do to help?
Melody: they always answered my calls to listen while I expressed my pain. They came to visit me & brought movies, chocolate, home cooked meals, baby stuff – things to cheer me up. They really supported me, and I couldn't have made it through without them.
Nickesha: I’m sure it was hard for them, but they never put the father of my child down, and to look at our baby as blessing. The help I by not putting the light on the person who hurtled me but to put the light on making me better.
Andrea: My parents, my mom especially were consistent with their support, even when the situation changed. A couple of my good girlfriends really saved my life with out even knowing it, listening when I needed it, getting me out the house. Williams mother was another rock in my life, I felt like the worst person in the world for lying to her. And even after I told her the truth she still called and said she would always love us and be there.
What is your status with your child's father now?
Melody: Separated for over a year. I have full custody of my kids and he skips out on his time with them a lot. He and I only speak about the kids, or him owing me money (which he always does, but anyways...)
Nickesha: We are not together; he is still with his wife. We act as parents, but it’s hard because we live in 2 different countries (me Canada, he U.S). It’s rough but it takes a lot a communication and compromise of each other’s feelings and putting our son first. The wife and I, we still can’t get it right, at times it got UGLY, but hopefully one day.
Andrea: "T" and I broke up when our daughter was 5 yrs old. We are now co-parenting. We can both count on him to come through for anything. I respect & appreciate him and our child sees that. He and I are like oil and water, we cannot get along for too long, so we stay at a safe distance from each other and we're cool.
Looking back, what would you have done differently and how has this experience made you a better woman/mother.
Melody: I would have followed my instincts. I would marry someone I could trust. I would PLAN for a family, not roll with the punches from an accidental pregnancy. I would prepare financially. I would make sure I was stronger - mentally & physically. Pretty much, I would have done everything differently.
Nickesha: All this made me cautious with whom I date and I give my love to, however, this journey has made me a phenomenal woman and forced me to take responsibility of my life.
Melody: Marriage and bringing children into this world is NO JOKE. Maturity is required, along with respect for yourself, and the person you're having your child for.
Nickesha: Not holding a grudge or being bitter towards his dad, reminds me that I’m a great mother. It takes a real mature and unselfish person to do that for their child.
Melody: Being a mom and playing the hand I was dealt made me who I am today. I'm aware. I've grown up. I've learned what sacrifice means. The love I have for my sons gives me strength to make proper decisions for not just them, but for myself too and I knew it was only possible if I left him. I've learned to love, care for and respect myself again. I've (hopefully) become someone my sons can look up to and rely on. I'm grateful for the abundance of love I have in my life now. my sons are my life and my life is crazy...but I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Andrea: The one thing I would change is the lie. I would never lie about who my child’s father is again. It wasn’t worth the stress of getting caught, hurting people who loved me and my baby. I believe everything happens for a reason and karmas a bitch!!! I'm just VERY lucky things ended the way they did.
Any advice you have for women going through "Baby Daddy Rehab"?
Melody:
• ALWAYS trust your instincts. It's better to just walk away and stand on your own, than raise a child (or children) in a dysfunctional environment. Children need a strong mother.
• Don't stay with someone "for the kids" when you KNOW deep in your heart how unhealthy it is for you.
• If you're already in a shitty relationship, don't think a baby will magically turn him into the man of your dreams.
• You're a mother now - respect yourself first. Your children need that from you more than you realize.
Nickesha:
• If you have nothing good to say about baby daddy to your child, say nothing. Children deserve to love both parents no matter if he’s a jerk or a dead beat.
• Pray!!
• Give him a chance to be a good father if he proves he wants ONLY to do right by you child and allow you to move on with your life.
• Don’t sleep with him after you guys break up, it confuses things too much.
Andrea: ENJOY YOUR CHILD!! You will NEVER get these years back and if you spend them stressing out and worrying about what a man’s doing you will lose those times forever. Please I'm begging you! I don’t even remember what age my daughter was when she took her first steps, said her first word, due to me being caught up in totally unnecessary drama! Was it worth it? NO!! I'm not with either man now. Its just me and my baby girl, making up for lost time.
Ann Dunham gave birth to President Barack Obama when she was just 19.
He has said "What is best in me, I owe to her."
Any advice you have for women going through "Baby Daddy Rehab"?
Melody:
• ALWAYS trust your instincts. It's better to just walk away and stand on your own, than raise a child (or children) in a dysfunctional environment. Children need a strong mother.
• Don't stay with someone "for the kids" when you KNOW deep in your heart how unhealthy it is for you.
• If you're already in a shitty relationship, don't think a baby will magically turn him into the man of your dreams.
• You're a mother now - respect yourself first. Your children need that from you more than you realize.
Nickesha:
• If you have nothing good to say about baby daddy to your child, say nothing. Children deserve to love both parents no matter if he’s a jerk or a dead beat.
• Pray!!
• Give him a chance to be a good father if he proves he wants ONLY to do right by you child and allow you to move on with your life.
• Don’t sleep with him after you guys break up, it confuses things too much.
Andrea: ENJOY YOUR CHILD!! You will NEVER get these years back and if you spend them stressing out and worrying about what a man’s doing you will lose those times forever. Please I'm begging you! I don’t even remember what age my daughter was when she took her first steps, said her first word, due to me being caught up in totally unnecessary drama! Was it worth it? NO!! I'm not with either man now. Its just me and my baby girl, making up for lost time.
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