My story is this...
Prior to my parents divorce, my father was my buddy. We looked alike, he'd stay up late and read me the bible, he'd let me stay at daycare longer so I could play with my friends.
Little did I know that late night talks were because he was buzzed on cocaine, and my prolonged after school hangouts were because he literally forgot me. Once my mom caught him cheating and he cussed her for not knocking. cha...
At 7, parents divorced. Mom, sister and I moved across the country. But at 16, I decided to go live with him, "dance with the devil" so to speak. I wanted to know him myself, not the version told to me through hurt and disappointment. Though she cried for 3 weeks my mom knew it was something I'd have to learn on my own. She let me go.
Over the 6 months I was there, I saw a man who was scared and scrambling. He simply didn't know what to do, how to raise a child, let alone a hormonal teenaged girl. I asked questions, about his family and learned that he never knew his biological father, and the man who raised him always hated him abused him terribly. His mother was 15 when she had him, and had little to offer in the way of guidance.
I started to understand why things were the way they were.
How can you be what you don't see?
An ugly blowout caused me to runaway and my dad and I didn’t talk for 4 years. On my 20th birthday, he called me from rock bottom. His ex had taken everything. I was all he had. What could I do? Being angry at him was only eating at me. As our girl Oprah says, when you hang on to hurt, your arms are too full to hang on to love. I wanted love. I wanted him to know it too.
Slowly the dialogue began. My wakeup call was later that year when my best friend lost her wonderful father suddenly in a terrible accident at work. Here one day, gone the next. She was inconsolable.
That incident coupled with the tragedies of 9/11 made me realize that you only get one set of parents. There comes a point where you need to accept them for what they are, and what they are not.
I slowly stopped talking to guys that 'filled a void' my dad left, stopped blaming myself for his absence and realized that I am who I am because he wasn't there. My dad is irresponsible, unreliable, arrogant, and very self-centered. He takes accountability for nothing. Ever. But, he's mine. I'm grateful he is alive and that I even know him.
WE are not our parents. Not their vision of us, not their mistakes. We ARE the very best of them, if they are present or not. We are separate entities all together.
If you can, try to know him. Its easier as adults. Be blunt. Ask about his history (he is the only one who can tell you) and keep that in mind when you look at him. Or when you decide to look away.
Ladies, this advice for "dealing with dad" is based my personal experience.
Please comment and tell us how you deal with dad.
*I had originally posted this piece in the ADVICE section two years ago. Recently, a few of my readers have been asking questions on this very subject, how to deal with the first man we ever love. I felt LIVE TO TELL was an appropriate home for this and to re-post the piece. I hope this helps.*
November 6, 2009 at 6:52 AM
Thank you for writing this. My dad had a bad period with cocaine from the 70s-90s, but he gave it up after my first birthday, making him twenty years sober. He really stepped up to take care of all five of us, and there isn't a moment that I don't thank him or be proud of him. I was too young to remember how he was when he was on cocaine, but my siblings do remember. I only know of the man who helped mold me into the woman I am today. My father taught me all about my period, boys, took me to school, let me ride shotgun when he ran errands, was front row at basketball games, when he could have been just doing his old, day-to-day work and smoking when he came home. I do know that I am not my father, but I am surely his best. I love speaking of him, and thanks again for posting this. Namaste.
November 10, 2009 at 11:07 AM
Wow. so powerful.
"..and realized that I am who I am because he wasn't there "
Ever since I can remember I have never felt like I have a dad. The creepy guy my mom introducetd me to at the age of 4 as my dad, I feel no connection or familiarity with - B4 and after he assaulted me.
I do have an AMAZING big brother who I think fills the void pretty well. Super thankful for him.
November 14, 2009 at 12:50 PM
Wow Nova...I didn't know all of this. Thanks for sharing. I hope your site reaches all the people who need your words. xo, Jacqueline
December 5, 2009 at 10:27 PM
Thank you Nova for sharing with your readers and best friend:) your beautiful message of hope and strength. EVERYDAY I think about my father and since his passing I realize more and more what he did to make me the woman I am today. I was and still am madly in love with my Dad. He was my everything and when he passed my life changed forever. But he lives within me...
God Bless you Bunny
December 9, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Wow.
The amount of phone calls, tweets and FB messages i've received about this post...we've got some dealing with dad to do!
@ Carmen. 1st, thank you for your honesty. thats exactly what this environment is for. read it. feel it. share it.
@ J. likewise, thank you for your honesty and my heart hurts to hear that you too have been assaulted. too many of us...too many. its great that you have a brother who stepped into that role and and you are loving yourself enough to talk about the past. keep going...
@ Jacqueline. Thanks for reading lady. This is a space to vent. tho not anonymous AT ALL, its sometimes safer then saying the words aloud. i've got my girls with me here so its all ok. There are MANY more stories to come. But it all started with dad...
@ Georgette. thank you. I thank HIM for YOU.
February 12, 2010 at 11:06 AM
this was awesome. u know i def feel the pain. its hard 2 separate myself and my well being from my father and his bs. i love him and as a daughter I will be by his side when needed, but at this time, he needs the hekp that I cant offer.
February 12, 2010 at 3:22 PM
@ Lady Complex thanks for your kind words. Its a tough spot - support and carrying dead weight on your shoulders. over time i've found that acceptance is key, but i don't have to enable him. example, if I find us going into broken record B.S conversations, as an adult, i don't have to stay and listen to it, or offer advice if i'm not asked. thats not my role. i'm the daughter, not the rehab counceller, or therapist. honesty counts for a lot, but removing the rage and emotion is a skill that i'm getting better at. he has a choice and so do you. if you can shine light on what the root of the issue is, fantastic, but the symptoms, those are for him to deal with. until he chooses differently, for your mental health (and to keep u from shaking the shit out of him) you need those boundaries.
good luck girl! love u more!
xo