Q&A - MOVING ON AFTER THE LIES
12:34 AM Posted by MS.NOVA
How to I start dating again after being with someone and then finding out you were lied to the entire relationship?
I’m having issues opening up my mind and heart and wrapping it around wanting to be with someone new
Turned out he never really broke up with his ex and rushed into a new relationship with me. FIRST RED FLAG: He didn’t break up with me face to face. He put us on a break saying he was still with me and just needed to sort his life out.
I later found out thru mutual friends he was saying to people we were DONE, done and that we BOTH decided to break up.
7 months of being together. He said I was perfect, the only girl he’d ever really connected with and how I made him so happy. I was in love. After the breakup, I find out he was a coke head (which makes sense now...), he had a history of getting girls preggo and then leaving them when they were going to abort. Nice. He kept a "stable" of exes as friends that he notoriously "re-dates"and earned the nick name of "mall coke head" who hung out with teenage girls. I knew none of this.
As shit as that sounds I did love him. For the first time someone brought me flowers, said I was beautiful, paid for things, opened doors for me, and told me he wanted to know every bit of me even the hard emotions. I’ve never been more open and honest and willing with someone in my entire life. This is hard.
I’ve blocked him off of everything, I’m moving on, doing me and all cried out. But now I’m afraid of some dude being a big liar like and using me. My time was completely wasted and I don’t have time to play those games, but I don’t’ want to be bitter or have a wall up for the next guy.
What do I do in the meantime and how do I avoid being a “bitter Betty”?
7 months of being together. He said I was perfect, the only girl he’d ever really connected with and how I made him so happy. I was in love. After the breakup, I find out he was a coke head (which makes sense now...), he had a history of getting girls preggo and then leaving them when they were going to abort. Nice. He kept a "stable" of exes as friends that he notoriously "re-dates"and earned the nick name of "mall coke head" who hung out with teenage girls. I knew none of this.
As shit as that sounds I did love him. For the first time someone brought me flowers, said I was beautiful, paid for things, opened doors for me, and told me he wanted to know every bit of me even the hard emotions. I’ve never been more open and honest and willing with someone in my entire life. This is hard.
I’ve blocked him off of everything, I’m moving on, doing me and all cried out. But now I’m afraid of some dude being a big liar like and using me. My time was completely wasted and I don’t have time to play those games, but I don’t’ want to be bitter or have a wall up for the next guy.
What do I do in the meantime and how do I avoid being a “bitter Betty”?
Ladies - as always, this is a REAL situation!
Help our girl out and please give your advice and leave comments!
November 30, 2009 at 9:42 PM
Oh where to begin. Ok. So I know how you feel. The last guy I dated (for about a year) turned out to be married with kids (yes plural). He did the whole double life thing and spent our entire "relationship" lying to me. He told me he was in love with me, wanted us to have kids, the whole nine! I was devastated and felt the same way you do about dating again. It took time, but I finally came to realize a few things:
1). One jerk does not represent all men. Good men do exist. They might be a little harder to find, but they exist.
2). All of the good things a man does for you are things you should already be doing for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers. Take yourself to a movie. Treat yourself well. You won't feel the void as much if a relationship ends b/c you're already fulfilling yourself.
3). When your boyfriend turns out to be a jerk, trust me, there are ALWAYS signs that you missed. Once you have enough distance from the situation, think about the things he did (or did not do) that you didn't see initially b/c you were too busy being human and in love (or in very strong like).
3a). If/when you see those signs with a new guy, don't make excuses for him b/c you want the relationship to work. Determine whether or not to stay with him, not by what he says he will do, but by what he actually does, says, thinks, etc.
4). Don't become embittered or hardened because of a failed relationship. In so doing, you give others power over your happiness. Be optimistic and positive and that will draw good energy (and hopefully good men) to you.
5). Learn from your past relationship and yes acknowledge the mistakes you might have made. BUT DO NOT internalize the bad relationship. It ended b/c he's not "the one" for you, not b/c something is wrong with you.
6). Take it slow, slow, slow. Next time you meet a guy...really get to know him before you "take it to another level." A person's true colors will eventually show. It's easier to walk away if you haven't given of yourself physically and emotionally early on.
7). Listen to your instinct. I bet there was a moment when you "felt" things weren't right, but you didn't listen to that voice. Don't want to impose religion on you, but girl that voice is GOD trying to chat it up with you. Don't ignore that voice, ever!
Best to you! You'll be ok. It's life. This will only make you stronger and wiser!
-Victoria D.
December 9, 2009 at 11:16 PM
Yes Victoria! tek it to dem!
Nothing else to add, my girl said it ALL!
point 2 really had me shaking my head and 3a) made me laugh out loud!! we all know this list, we've given this advice to friends countless times.
I often say that when someone comes to me for some guidance..."if the tables were turned, what would YOU tell ME to do?"
thanks Victoria for taking the time to read and comment! keep em comin'!!