LIVE TO TELL: MOURNING MOTHER

Describe your relationship with your mother.  

We had our typical mother/daughter spats but our good definitely out-weighed the bad. My mom was a beautiful woman on the inside and out and when she loved, she loved hard. She would do anything for her family and raised her grandchildren until she passed. She had many faults that split our family apart, but I never judged her.

What happened? How old were you?

In January 2008 my mom was diagnosed with a rare cancer called Cholangeocarcinoma. It shocked us because she had never been sick and wouldn't even take aspirin for a headache. She was jaundiced, looked like a yellow crayon and that prompted her to see a doctor. Her gallbladder was removed and doctors saw it was completely diseased and spreading to her pancreas. The specialist gave her a life expectancy of 1-6 months, and that's exactly how longed she lived. When she passed on June 28, I was 24.

How did you cope? 

No one else around us wanted to accept the harsh reality, so I did. I had too. I had to be the one to "take the bull by the horns" and live my life by hers. There was no time for the "me". I did find myself at times, slipping into selfishness but the thought of taking her presence for granted, was a slap in the face. I took care of everyone else, including the funeral services. I only began to grieve last year.

Did your siblings react differently? If so, how?

I'm the baby of 3 and because of lifestyle choices (me straight and narrow, them, not so much) our relationship has always been strained. When mom passed, they fed their grief with drugs and alcohol. Subsequently, my sister would always complain about me not wanting a relationship with her, but mainly that argument would ensue after a swig of alcohol and/or pills. My brother wanted us to mourn and stick together, but I knew that would only lead to disaster. I decided to give myself space and drew a line when it came to the grieving and mourning as a group rather than individually.

What did your living parent do/say to comfort you? Vice versa.

My father was drunk and high half the time so there wasn't much I could pull out of his nonsensical conversations. He concealed his emotions and then wanted to explode after getting wasted. My dad was and is an extremely spoiled man. I hold a lot of anger towards him for the abuse he gave my mom throughout their marriage even while she was sick. I tried to be supportive, but when I was fed up, I ended all contact with him for 3 months.   

How have you changed? Who were you before? After?

Before, I was a selfish, anti-social bitch, extremely temperamental and confrontational. I couldn’t stay that way for the rest of my life. Now, I have more responsibility due to financially supporting my 2 nephews and niece. I am still the rock of my family whether I like that title or not. Because I no longer conform to the demand of others, some say I changed for the worse. But now, I have people who look up to me because I was so strong through all of this.   

Please offer some advice to those who have lost a parent.

I think of my situation as a Beautiful Disaster. Strange, but it works for me. You have to find what works for you. No one can tell you how to feel or how to mourn. Do it your way and at your own pace. But do it to where it’s not detrimental to you or those around you.

Losing a parent is one of the worst things that can happen. However, its not the end of YOUR life, its the beginning. Losing my beautiful mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me appreciate so much more. Everyday I learn a new way to deal. When someone dies, its the physical that is taken. No one or nothing can take away the spirit, emotion or the memories that you may cherish. Remember that losing a parent is something you will never get over, but you do learn to cope.

Many thanks to Ashley for her candor and honesty. 

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