Q&A- DO I FORGIVE DAD?
4:23 PM Posted by MS.NOVA
My dad's life has always been a mess and that mess was passed down to me. I've blamed him, hated him, not talked for years, but recently,
I've grown tired of holding a grudge. It's super clear now that the guys I've dated were trying to fill a void. My man issues are serious.
I figure the best way to change all that is to forgive my dad and move on as adults.
Am I disrespecting my mother and siblings if I pursue a relationship with him? How can I keep the peace in my family?
I just want to stop dating idiots! lolz!
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May 29, 2010 at 7:21 PM
No! No! And NO! I understand the perspective of opposing siblings as well as the opposing parent, however to be fair they must also understand your perspective. It is the most difficult thing to do, being the forgiving child but it is the most worth wild. Having a physically absent or emotionally absent father is tough to deal with as both a son and daughter and takes great maturity for either sex to realize the effects is has on them and choose to make progress nonetheless. My father was physically present and emotionally distached as I said before. However when I payed attention to what he said when he spoke, he made it evident he had a pretty much similar kind of role model as a father. He was unfamiliar with expressing love and letting me know I am beautiful and I could be anything, etc. I had to learn independently as he did. Just that in itself gave me closure as I understood him and why he was the way he is. I had to realize he is not the kind of father I would have wished for (as far as the emotional support), but he does what he can with what he knows. I had to forgive him, he didn't even realize how much he hurt me. I spent so much time trying to convince myself of all types of things through my relationships with men. Once I came to this realization, I gained power. Through your forgiving your dad, you will gain a power and confidence that should keep you sustained. Once you believe you have let go of all the hurt, you will gain your strength and power back to learn what you will tolerate and not tolerate. That in itself will keep you away from the knuckleheads lol :-) XOXO you have a sister in me :-)
June 1, 2010 at 4:45 PM
@Charenese you are on a roll! reader, thanks so much for your candid questions. i've been writing this week about my own situation and healing my past with my dad (see the Dealing With Dad post under ADVICE).
The people in your family are individuals. therefore, the relationship each of you have with this man is going to be very different and no one gets to decide for the other exactly how that should be played out. Expectations can lead to disappointment, so think long and hard what you want from this and what your intentions are. Be clear to the family that this is for you and their interaction or lack their of is their choice. Everyone gets where they need to be in their own time. What's important is that you are taking the first step.
good on you for being so brave and taking this action. you can't control anyone but yourself.
good luck!
: )
nova
June 2, 2010 at 11:15 PM
My pappa was a rollin stone, and even though he tore up my family briefly, I had to forgive and move on. He started cheating on my mother when I was sixteen, however, I didn't find out until I was eighteen. Growing up I always believed my father was the greatest man in my life. He always worked hard, and laughed real loud. He was a great provider, and more of a friend to me. I'm a singer/songwriter, and he's one of the best drummers I've ever heard hands down. We always had a bond, and there was never lies in our relationship. I remember the day I found out he was cheating. It was in the summer, and we were sitting in the living room. I just had the nerve to ask him straight up, "do you have a girlfriend." He responded, "I have a friend that's a girl, and pulled a picture out of his wallet." Just like that, I was shocked, and didn't say a word. I played it cool so I could find out more. I knew if I blew up, he wouldn't tell me anything else. That was the day everything changed completely. Let's face it, no one in their forties has a friend that's a girl, and a picture in his wallet without a backstory. He soon got caught in all his drama living a double life. Seeing my mother that devastated made me lose every hope in the world in men. Then one night we all went to sleep broken and confused, and I woke up to the sound of my mother crying. He had left at exactly 3am and took everything he could fit into a suitcase. I'll never forget because I heard him, and I stayed quiet in my bed in fear of the hurt that was to follow. That night I didn't sleep, and part of wishes I had of tried to stop him, but life will take it's course no matter how hard you try to stop things. Some things are out of your control. After seeing my mother battle through abandonment, I realized in relationships I could get through anything. She taught me what strength truly means. She taught me how to be a strong woman, and never settle when it comes to men. After 5yrs I can now thank my father for what he did, because she's never been happier in her entire life. She has truly come into her own, mentally, emotionally, financially, the whole nine. I went through dating men that resembled my father, and quickly became a master at picking them out. Now I make the exact opposite moves, and I'm no longer that girl with "Daddy issues." I'm strong, happy, and in love.
There is a self power to be gained when you forgive, let go, and embrace a negative situation. When you turn poison into medicine life can be beautiful.
It's up to you:)
Love,