LIVE TO TELL - I HAD A STALKER...
2:32 PM Posted by MS.NOVA
But I Love Me More is a forum for myself and others to share challenging experiences while revealing the steps taken in order to reach the lesson they needed to learn. In hindsight, we are all better because of the bullshit, and if I can save you the pain of going through what I did by giving you the Cliff's Notes - then friend, it was all worth it.
This is the first time I have written about this experience.
For four years (at age 21-25) a 6'4, 275 pound "creep", intimidated me, followed me, threatened my sister, picked physical fights with male friends and harassed me with the most perverse stare anytime I left the house. Having a stalker was having another person control my thoughts and actions. Is he watching me? If I go out, will he be there? I'm home alone, does he know? My personal privacy and power was snatched from me and smothered in fear.
The worst thing was that I knew this guy. When I was 14, he briefly dated a friend of mine though he lived in another city. We were 'phone friends' flirted and talked often, but I never felt 'that way'. Fast forward five years. I'm 19, live alone in Toronto and because I was working for a popular radio station, I was out at the club four nights a week and saw him out a lot. He'd say "what's up", catch some laughs and that was it.
A year later when I'd see him, he would wear the same faded, frowsy clothes. He had a bad vibe and more then once I saw him pick a fight with guys who were minding their own business, and I read in the paper he stabbed someone in a fight. People told me he was heavy into ecstasy and 'other stuff'. To me, that explained 'the change'.
Early one summer morning when I was opening the restaurant at my summer job in the GaY-borhood. I saw him lurking down the street, trying not to be seen, in the saaaame dirty gear. I thought, why is he in a gay area at 8:30am? Drugs? Sex? Maybe he's gay and is lashing out? Is he all hopped up on E? Maybe thats why he's so strange these days.
Now I don't know if he saw me that morning or if the paranoia fairy kicked herself into double overdrive, but the creepiness began after that. He seemed to know my work schedule and was anywhere I was within an hour of my arrival. This beast of a man stood head and shoulders over everyone in a club and he'd post up across the room and staaaaaare. Not moving or dancing,just locked in on me like some Terminator: Judgement Day shit. I'd go to the woman's restroom, and who is outside the door, standing in front of it so I literally walk INTO him. "Hi Nova" he'd say, like a sick freak, standing there with a boner, panting in excitement and hoping for a response from me. I could hear my mothers voice "Ignore the behavior. Give him nothing." I gave him a blank look like he was anyone else and kept moving. I was terrified.
That summer he made the papers again but for gun charges and I heard he kicked a doorgirl for not letting him in a party. WTF? I didn't know what he was capable of and I knew I was on his radar. My younger sister saw him out and with the best of intentions, she told him, "get a life, fuck off and leave her alone." Enraged, he threatened to kill her and though it might have been big talk, I didn't know for sure.
At its worst I found myself ducking out the side door of parties, making cab drivers drop me off a few blocks from where I lived so I wouldn't be followed. If I were out with male friends, he'd pick a fight with them to get my attention. I never spoke or gave him a reaction and maintained an indifferent exterior though I was afraid.
I was scared to be alone, locking myself inside my apartment. Adam - my roommate and friend since thirteen years old - told me that he was getting worried and saw the changed in me, we thought the police should be notified. just in case. Together we documented a long list of dates and incidences along with statements from other people and we referred to crimes he committed that were public record. Armed with information rather then emotion, I went to the police to file a complaint.
Ironically, the Lieutenant that assisted me was the same man who came to my aid when an old boyfriend tried to shove me out the 9th floor window (another story - jeez!). I was scared, but prepared and it showed. The police couldn't dismiss me as an emotional girl who just needed to calm down with a hot bath, I was serious. My creep had a criminal record and was in their system. When the cops saw that weapons and assault charges were involved, they got serious too.
Nothing could be done until he threatened or assaulted me, so they suggested I confront him in a public place surrounded by people who knew the history of the situation. I couldn't believe I even had to deal with this. A stalker? The cops? And now I have to talk to him in front of my friends? I was angry that this was put on me, so I laid low and stayed with friends to mix up my schedule.
Two weeks after filing my report, I was feeling cooped up and decided to attend the radio stations 5th anniversary at a museum. It was a swanky industry event and I figured "creep" wouldn't be there. Ya right. Unwinding with my second vodka cranberry, a male co-worker ran over to warn me that "creep" just walked in. "It's now or never" I thought.
'Creep' was with a mutual friend of mine and both were walking in my direction. Keeping cool (though I wanted to smash my glass in his face and put him in an arm-bar hold) I kept it short and civil. 'Hey Nova, too good to say hi to me?" he says, all breathy and excited, waiting for me to lash out and give a reaction in front of everyone.
Gripping my cup with one hand, I look straight into his darting eyes while sending an energy of "I'm not playing nice no more".
"Can I help you with something?"
(shocked by my assertiveness) "What? We ain't cool? I've known you for like 10 years!"
"You knew me. You don't know me. Are you following me?"
(again, shocked at the thought) "What?! Who said I was stalking you? You think I'm some kind of stalker?"
"Are you trying to scare me? Do you want to hurt me?"
(feeling embarrassed and the eyes of A LOT of people) he mumbled "No."
"Then I'm done here. Good luck."
As I walked away I felt a rush of relief, nausea, anger and empowerment all at once. My boys rushed over to me, they were watching the whole thing, and closed flanks on me as I let out a few tears of tension. I played it smart, documented the information, moved neighborhoods twice, went to the police, let others know the situation and in a calm tone in a safe space, I confronted the creep who had haunted me.
That was a mouthful and a little draining to re-live. Should you find yourself in a situation where you feel someone is following you, or stalking you, please, arm yourself with information and make note of the following. If you or your family are in physical danger, please contact the police and arm yourself with information.
-how did you meet him?
-was your relationship serious (sexual?)
-when did it change?
-what has he/she done to scare you?
-make note of any voicemails, letters, gifts, threats and the dates/frequency it happened.
-tell people.
-change your number
-move if you have to.
change your work schedule
-have your mail moved to a P.O box.
If you have had a similar situation or have comments, please let us know below.
January 6, 2011 at 8:17 PM
When I was living in my first apartment I had a creepy peeping Tom at my window who I caught watching me naked, preparing for a shower. I don't know how long he was there for but I called the cops and they said he is a known peeping Tom. The whole situation just freaked me out. I now have this fear that someone is always watching me through blinds. It was my worse nightmare in a basement apartment. The idea of your worst nightmare coming true is a crazy realization. If you don't control that feeling/emotion, you can easily feel that any "worst nightmare" is possible and right around the corner.
Good for you for standing up to that creep! You did it for all women.
January 9, 2011 at 8:43 PM
@FS oMG a creepy peeper! watching you shower?! its really unnerving and you can't put it into words. something you have to experience and i DO understand.
that paranoia can haunt you. my advice:
master your mind and don't let your mind master you.
i appreciate your kind words and thanks for reading a piece that was so personal to write.
Nova