EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES

10:54 PM Posted by MS.NOVA

I recently posted about de-toxing and cutting the fat from your life. yes, fat as in sour-cream and onion chips, but fat as in excess weight you don't need. a quick way to drop 150 pounds or more? lose the 'energy suckers' in your life, also known as 'emotional vampires'.

this I know: if you want something to change, first YOU must change.

in the case of an energy sucker, YOU my friend are going to have to speak up or step away. the third choice is do what you're doing and suffer a slow, draining death of endless, pointless nattering. if you don't like something, FIX IT. 2011 is about a-c-t-i-o-n and i'm going to hold you accountable to take it and do some heavy lifting.

the brilliant Judith Orloff has listed the various vampire types and tell-tale signs are below. read on and i'm sure you know her as someone close to you. (or maybe you ARE her). like anything else, once you see what you don't want, what you DO want becomes very clear.

Signs That You've Encountered an Emotional Vampire

Your eyelids are heavy -- you're ready for a nap
Your mood takes a nosedive
You want to binge on carbs or comfort foods
You feel anxious, depressed or negative
You feel put down

Types of Emotional Vampires
The Narcissist
Their motto is "Me first." Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They're dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don't do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.
How to Protect Yourself: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it's better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.
The Victim
These vampires grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..." You might end up screening your calls or purposely avoid them. As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you.
How to Protect Yourself: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, "I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions." With a coworker sympathize by saying, "I'll keep having good thoughts for things to work out." Then say, "I hope you understand, but I'm on deadline and must return to work." Then use "this isn't a good time" body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits.
The Controller
These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don't fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.
How to Protect Yourself: The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don't tell them what to do. You can say, "I value your advice but really need to work through this myself." Be confident but don't play the victim.
The Constant Talker
These people aren't interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close they're practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.
How to Protect Yourself: These people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, "I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom." A much more constructive tactic than, "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!" If this is a family member, politely say, "I'd love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation." If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.
The Drama Queen
These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. My patient Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late for work. One week he had the flu and "almost died." Next, his car was towed, again! After this employee left her office Sarah felt tired and used.
How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen doesn't get mileage out of equanimity. Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. Say, for example, "You must be here on time to keep your job. I'm sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first."