LOST IN THE ONE I LOVE

11:08 AM Posted by MS.NOVA

Confident. Secure. Successful. Mature. Sure, I'll take one of those! Who would pass up the opportunity to be with the good looking face that fits this dreamy description? Those with strong personalities that always peaked my interest. When he walks in the room, bodies slowly shift around him like meteors orbiting the earth.

Only problem with that is, no one is willing to discover ME while in his presence. Secretly, I hoped that I would be standing in the spotlight with him. How can a person I'm head over heels for simultaneously make me feel so good and so bad ? This intersection of push and pull is when I realized that I was in too deep. I was lost in the one I loved.

All that was great about him, I loathed in myself. "i don't make that much money. i didn't go to that college. my family isn't that perfect." Followed by the pity party cake topper of 'why would he want to be with me? I'm lucky to have him." and down the rabbit hole we go...

A juggling act of self-doubt, self-sabotage, lust, and insecurity enveloped my thoughts and directed my actions.

I played dumb (hoping he'd want to teach me) never challenged him (afraid to scare him off), laughed when it wasn't funny (so pathetic), liked what he liked and became this annoying, drippy clone of 'what i think he wants.' ughhhhh.

I defined him by his success and if a friend asked about him, I'd start blathering on about his job (of all things) and what lakeshore condo he lives in. Want his resume and an 8x10 glossy, too? "That's nice," said my friend with common sense, "but you never told me anything about HIM. What do you like about him anyway?". Ding Dong. That was when reality and reason came back to my life from their 3 month vacation to LustTown and Delusionberg.

I morphed into a small, pathetic creature when inside, the real me was trying to push through like an elephant in an egg. Not that the real me looks like an elephant or anything. I was lost in the one I loved and lost in the idea that I was not enough by being myself. Immediately, I saw the pattern. Like Liz in Eat, Pray, Love, I would morph into the person I was dating. My chameleon ways didn't stop there, I did it with my friends too. I could be the Cool Girl, The Hood Chick, a Joker, Smoker and Midnight Toker. Being lost in the one I loved helped me realized I was being everyone but myself. For that, I am grateful.

When it ended, as it was bound to, I walked away knowing I had learned something about myself, a lesson I couldn't learn on my own. The people around us ARE us. A direct reflection, a mirror of who we really are and sometimes, that mirror shows us who we are meant to be.